I loved you first, a poem by Christina Rossetti.

Post 423 - This poem is in keeping with my theme this week on the role of love in sustaining ideal relationships. Christina Rossetti was born in London in 1830 and was educated at home by her mother. Her brother was the famous poet and painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti so her house was a regular meeting place for the group of artists later known as the Pre-Raphaelites. Rossetti began writing at age seven, but she was 18 when her first published poem appeared in the Athenaeum magazine. Despite a lifetime of illness, she continued to write poetry. Her most famous collection, Goblin Market and Other Poems, was published in 1862 when she was 31. She died of cancer in 1894.

She once wrote, "When I am dead my dearest, sing no sad song for me, Plant thou no roses at my head, nor shady cypress tree. See the green grass above me with showers and dewdrops wet, And if thou wilt, remember, and if thou wilt, forget. I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain, I shall not hear the nightingale sing on as if in pain. And dreaming throughout the twilight that doth not rise nor set, Hap'ly will remember, and happily will forget".


I loved you first, by Christina Rossetti.

I loved you first: but afterwards your love
Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song
As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.
Which owes the other most? My love was long,
And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong;
I loved and guessed at you, you construed me
And loved me for what might or might not be –
Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong.
For verily love knows not ‘mine’ or ‘thine;’
With separate ‘I’ and ‘thou’ free love has done,
For one is both and both are one in love:
Rich love knows nought of ‘thine that is not mine;’
Both have the strength and both the length thereof,
Both of us, of the love which makes us one.

Building an ideal relationship.

Post 422 - The main difference between a good and an ideal relationship is that the latter equips us for life, and allows us to be a better person in the world. Sometimes we choose partners who make us feel good only when we’re together. If this kind of wonderful intensity is the only thing present, it doesn’t continue to make us feel more and more alive in the longer term. Eventually, the relationship turns in on itself rather than developing into a partnership which illuminates the world anew.

Why do we fall in love with one person and not with another? I believe there are three basic ingredients for romantic attraction: intellectual, emotional and sexual, and all of these need to be strong enough if we’re to make a good connection and build a lasting relationship. However, what makes a relationship good isn’t necessarily what we feel towards each other, but what we create of each other.

An ideal relationship makes our life larger, not smaller. When both parties grow and experience things they wouldn't have known about or sought out without the other person's influence, then the relationship contributes positively to each individual’s journey through life.

An ideal relationship isn’t without arguments (arguments probably allow both parties to evolve faster than any other type of interaction).

We don't worry when we’re not together and we have the most enjoyment when we are together.

There’s no place in our relationship for questions about perfection, love and fear.

There’s no fear of acceptance of our flaws and drawbacks.

We feel like we were born to be with the other person, yet we wonder why it took so long to find them.

We don't have to ask for anything - it just comes.

We don't have to make an effort to give - it just goes.

We’re friends as well as lovers. As we get older, we find that friendship is more enduring than passion.

We can grow together because we feel free together. As Leo Buscaglia wrote, "A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”

If all the compromises we make in a relationship (such as giving pleasure to our partner as opposed to receiving pleasure) aren’t often reciprocated or we constantly feel we’re getting short-changed and resent our partner for that, then it’s a good time to change the relationship in some way (e.g. confront our partner with our discontent and seek something better) or to find another relationship.

The corollary is that if we ever feel we’ve given as much as we wish or can, and yet that’s insufficient to sustain the relationship, then it's probably time to move on.

The ideal relationship brings the best out of us, not as a requirement, but rather as an effect. We have this ultimate connection with another person, which is also a channel for the exchange of energy. In an ideal relationship, passion generates lots of positive energy. However, even when we’re challenged by the other party, this negative energy can be positively channeled too. Although it may cause discomfort initially, it helps us to overcome inertia so we can grow and change in a positive way.

There really isn't an ideal relationship that fits everyone; its how you deal with the imperfections of the relationship that makes it ideal.

How to sustain a fulfilling relationship.

Post 421 - These ideas are taken from “A Journal for all Relationships,” a new book by Vince and Sally Huntington, to be published later this year. The Huntingtons are psychotherapists and are licensed as Marriage and Family Therapists. Together, they hosted a radio show in San Diego for 10-years where they were able to empirically test and formally research their observations on what defines a fulfilling relationship.

They found that true love, once found, continues only with the exchange of promises to: “please meet my needs by helping me have good feelings and help me not to have bad feelings.” As long as this exchange continues, they say, the feelings of love will continue.

However, relationships are complicated by our shifting needs for togetherness on the one hand, and autonomy on the other. Running from or trying to avoid one extreme or the other can be confusing to sort out. A major challenge is to be able to openly tell your partner when either loneliness or feeling smothered begins to rule your life. They say people don’t ‘fall out of love.’ They simply misidentify the natural shifts which take place between one extreme or the other of this wonder of human existence. So it’s vital to learn the shifts of that person who brought you the love you share.

They’ve also identified six critical areas which need to be well understood and consciously catered to for loving relationships to continue to be fulfilling. These relationships cease to be nourishing when:

(1) Basic trust is taken for granted but never actually defined.

(2) Communication fails (she/he just doesn’t hear you) and anger begins to rule.

(3) Family presence obstructs the life style of the relationship (parent pressures, ill child, siblings, step-parenting, etc.).

(4) Money styles clash (savers versus spenders).

(5) Sex and affection are misunderstood, are out of sync, or out of control.

(6) Couples forget that they’re individuals and unconsciously or unwillingly lose their individuality in the marriage.


They suggest a key question for each party in the relationship is to ask themselves: "Can I be in a relationship with this person without losing who I am?" If the answer is no, then it's time to move on.

Some reflections on how to love.

Post 420 - I watched the movie Elmer Gantry the other night and took note when Burt Lancaster said several times that "Love is the morning and the evening star" (which is presumably a reference to the planet Venus). It reminded me that I've never written about love - that which "makes the world go 'round," according to a once popular song. Even if love doesn't make the world go 'round, it certainly makes the ride worthwhile. So here are some thoughts on this topic:

Freud, when asked what a normal person should be able to do well, said "to love and to work." He also said that the best cure for a neurosis was to fall in love.

You’ve got to learn how to love before you learn how to live.

Love isn't love until you give it away. The love you give away is the only love you keep.

The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Love doesn't consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Love is like playing the piano. First, you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. 
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.

A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.

Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.

What we need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.

Let's hope that we're all preceded in this world by a love story.


1 Corinthians 13 is a very famous romantic blessing that's often used at weddings:

1. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

2. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

9. For we know in part and we prophesy in part.

10. But when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

11. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

12. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


And for all you contrarians, I remember a bumper sticker in the early '90s that said, "Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate!"

How to change behavior.

Post 419 - What if a well-informed, trusted authority figure said you had to make difficult and enduring changes in the way you think and act? If you didn't, your time would end soon - a lot sooner than it had to. Could you change when change really mattered? When it mattered most? Yes, you say? You're probably fooling yourself. The scientifically studied odds: nine to one against you.

As an example, the root cause of the health care crisis hasn't changed for decades, yet the government and the medical establishment still can't figure out what to do about it. Even though 80% of the health-care budget is consumed by five behavioral issues: too much smoking, drinking, eating, and stress, and not enough exercise.

Changing people’s behavior isn't just the biggest challenge in health care. It's also the most important challenge for businesses trying to compete in a today’s turbulent world. So, I’ve listed below some of the things we know about changing behavior:

Change is constant, normal and inevitable. However, growth is optional.

The only one who really enjoys change is a wet baby.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. History does repeat itself.

None of us can change our yesterdays, but all of us can change our tomorrows.

If you want to change the world, the place to begin is with yourself.

We can only change ourselves – no one else.

We can't change the cards we're dealt, just how we play the hand.

Yet, if you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar, but most people prefer to change a little bit at a time.

Paradoxically, big fast changes are often easier than small ones.

People don’t resist change as much as they resist changing.

Disgust and determination are two key contributors to change. It helps when people are uncomfortable with the status quo.

The two most commonly used strategies, coercion and rationality, are largely ineffective in changing behavior.

Bad news by itself doesn’t energize people to change.

The cumulative weight of specialization and experience make it difficult for people to change.

To be persuasive, the reasons for changing must be simple to understand, easy to identify with, emotionally resonant, and evocative of positive experiences.

It's always important to identify, achieve, and celebrate some quick, positive result for the vital emotional lift that it provides.

Quantifiable feedback is the key to radical and lasting behavior change.

It’s best to start small. It’s always easier to plant a large garden than it is to look after it.

Woody Allen had a comedy routine about the first landing of UFOs on Earth and our first contact with an advanced civilization. Allen wrote that most worries about planetary takeovers involve aliens that are light years away and centuries ahead of us in technology, bringing devices we can't understand or communicate with, which enables them to control everything. Not to worry, Allen said. If we can't understand or communicate with their systems, we'll just ignore them, doing our work the way we always do until they leave in frustration. Instead, he argued, the advanced civilization that we should really worry about is one that is just 15-minutes ahead. That way, they'd always be first in line for the movies, they'd never miss a meeting with the boss... and they'd always be first in every race.

Rosabeth Moss Kanter calls this the "15-minute competitive advantage" - changing in short fast bursts rather than waiting for the breakthrough that transforms everything. If every 15-minutes, you learn something and incorporate it into the next speedy step, you'll continue to be ahead. And a few time periods later, transformation will be underway.

To An Athlete Dying Young, a poem by A. E. Housman.

Post 418 - Alfred Edward Housman was born in Worcestershire, England. in 1859. After graduating from St. John's College, Oxford, with first class honors, he worked as a clerk in the Patent Office in London for ten years. During this time, he studied Greek and Roman classics, and as a result, in 1892 was appointed professor of Latin at University College, London. In 1911 he became professor of Latin at Trinity College, Cambridge, a post he held until his death. Housman only published two volumes of poetry during his lifetime: A Shropshire Lad in 1896, and Last Poems in 1922. A third volume, More Poems, was released posthumously by his brother, Laurence, in 1936, as was an edition of Housman's Complete Poems in 1939. Despite acclaim as a scholar and a poet in his lifetime, Housman lived as a recluse, rejecting honors and avoiding the public eye. He died in 1936 in Cambridge. He once observed, "I find Cambridge an asylum, in every sense of the word."

This poem may be familiar to many of you as it was read by Karen Blixen (played by Meryl Streep) at the burial of Denys Finch Hatton (played by Robert Redford) in the movie, Out Of Africa.

To An Athlete Dying Young by A. E. Housman.

The time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.

Today, the road all runners come,
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.

Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay,
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.

Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers
After earth has stopped the ears:

Now you will not swell the rout
Of lads that wore their honors out,
Runners whom renown outran
And the name died before the man.

So set, before its echoes fade,
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,
And hold to the low lintel up
The still-defended challenge-cup.

And round that early-laurelled head
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,
And find unwithered on its curls
The garland briefer than a girl's.

How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Post 417 - Summary of Dale Carnegie's classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People. If you haven't read it recently, I recommend you do so.

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People.

1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3: Arouse "an eager want" in the other person.

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You

1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
2: Smile.
3: Remember that a person's name is to them the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4: Be a good listener. Encourage the other person to talk about themselves.
5: Talk about the other person's interests.
6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking.

1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3: If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4: Begin in a friendly way.
5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10: Appeal to their nobler motives.
11: Dramatize your ideas.
12: Throw down a challenge.

Part Four: Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.
1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5: Let the other person save face.
6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9: Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.