Stop and T. H. I. N. K. before you communicate.

Post 502 - "There are no misunderstandings; there are only failures to communicate,” according to a Senegalese Proverb.

A friend told me recently about instructions he gave his assistant. He had a very nice training certificate that he wanted to send to someone who lived out of town. So my friend asked his assistant to “fold it as little as possible.” He was surprised to find out later that the certificate arrived safely as a two-inch square of tightly folded paper. The certificate was folded “as little as possible.” Who was at fault here?

To communicate effectively, it’s important to realize that we’re all different in the way we see and interpret the world, and then to use this understanding as a guide when we communicate with others. So the next time you plan to communicate something important, follow the T.H.I.N.K. guideline and ask yourself these questions before you start:

T: Is it True?

H: Is it Helpful?

I: Is it Inspiring?

N: Is it Necessary?

K: Is it Kind and Respectful?

It's easy to think that workplace norms are explicit and easy to obey - be at your desk by nine, don't ask superiors personal questions, and don't dress too casually, for example. Managing someone who doesn't follow these norms can be frustrating, especially if you think their lack of understanding reflects poorly on your own management. Before you tear out your hair wondering why some Gen X employees just don't seem to get the dress code thing, try using the following tips:

- Stay open. Some of the rules that we think are gospel may actually just be our own preferences.

- Spell out what's essential to the business. It's unlikely that dressing in a too-casual way will derail the company’s success. If the employee needs to be presentable when making client calls, that's one thing. But be clear about what’s truly important to the firm’s performance.

- Communicate expectations clearly. Don't expect everyone to pick up on informal cues. Be explicit with someone who doesn't appear to be getting the message about what rules need to be followed and why.

- Make sure that all of you is sending the same message as your words. Body language, facial expression, posture, movement, and tone of voice all help to emphasize the truth, sincerity, and reliability of your communication. Consistency in the total message ensures effective communication.

“I like what happens as a result of communication problems because I don’t think people communicate truly in any way. Communication is always imperfect. Language is an imperfect instrument - so is sex, so is shouting at each other - and although you get the occasional moments when you feel truly connected, they’re pretty hard to keep hold of.” – Colin Firth

How to give employees helpful feedback.

Post 432 - "Feedback is the breakfast of champions," according to management guru Ken Blanchard. I get a lot of questions from friends and clients about how to give feedback to the people who work with them. Here are some tips to consider:

* Focus your conversation on business outcomes. Explain what the company needs — talent development, sales growth, improved service — and frame your feedback about improved ways to reach those outcomes.

* Always give regular and consistent feedback to employees who work for you and give it often. When feedback is reserved for annual or semi-annual reviews, it's rarely received well. If you give feedback regularly, you'll be more practiced and your people will be more accustomed to hearing it. There should never be any surprises in a formal review.

* Identify the specific behavior that needs to change. State clearly what you want the person to do differently. Give illustrative examples that help the receiver understand exactly what you mean.

* Talk about the behavior, performance or attitude rather than the person.

* Think about your own learning style and contrast it with the other person's learning style. Are they visual, verbal, or tactile? Do they learn by reading and writing? Do they have language and cultural complexities? This will help to avoid the pitfall of explaining in a way only you would understand. Other people aren’t always like you!

* If you're giving feedback in a volatile situation, make sure you can recognize your own emotions, and take the time to calm down before giving feedback.

* Always start with at least two positive observations. This will start the meeting off on a good note.

* Give constructive feedback in private, never in a group. You wouldn't want to receive it in front of your staff either!

* Look at the person directly when you talk with them. If you avoid eye contact, they may think you're hiding something.

* Don’t apologize for bringing up anything that needs correction. Don’t say, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but ...”

* Give constructive feedback in an honest and diplomatic way. While pinpointing where you're not satisfied, be specific about what you want to see done and agree on a due date for follow up. The point of constructive feedback is to teach a new skill that remedies a deficiency.

* When you're done, ask if there are any questions. Always provide the opportunity to seek further knowledge or assistance.

* In the case of a particularly troublesome session, check in with the person involved before you leave for the day. You want to make sure they're not going home unhappy or disappointed.


The bottom line is that feedback changes behavior and behavior changes attitude. So make sure your feedback is actionable. Quantifiable feedback is the key to significant and lasting behavior change.

How to make effective presentations.

Post 428 - According to Dale Carnegie, “There are always three speeches for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave.”

I’ve given literally hundreds of presentations over the past 40-years and here’s some of what I’ve learned. I also include some tips I picked up from Diane West, President of 2Connect, a San Diego based company that offers a variety of services to meet people’s presentation needs.

The key points of making a great presentation are:
* Knowing what you want to say.
* Believing what you’re saying.
* Being convincing and compelling in how you say it.
* Providing valuable information.
* Providing useable information.
* Providing timely information.
* Being completely prepared and rehearsed.
* Projecting a positive attitude and a willingness to engage with the audience.

Here's a short list of why presenters and presentations fail:
* Bad choice of words.
* Not enough vocal variety.
* Inappropriate hand gestures.
* Weak body language.
* Lack of passion.
* Lousy attitude.
* Speaker isn't relaxed.
* Reading or memorizing, rather than speaking from the heart.

Also very high on this list are boring, busy, crowded PowerPoint slides.

Gestures to avoid when making a presentation:

- Don’t cover your mouth - this suggests you’re hiding information, or not convinced of what you’re saying.

- Don’t press on the bridge of your nose. This is sign of fatigue and stress, the equivalent of saying, “I don’t want to be here.”

- Avoid fidgeting with a ring during a presentation - this indicates emotional sensitivity, agitation or boredom.

- Don’t massage your throat. This suggests you’re having difficultly accepting someone else’s premise or argument and it can alienate your audience.

- Don’t put your hands on your hips. This comes across as an attempt to increase your presence, show dominance or attract attention.

- Don’t hide behind objects or hold items between you and the audience. Standing behind a chair, holding an object close to your body or crossing your arms indicates defensiveness and insecurity.

- Don’t lock your ankles. Locked ankles are a sign that things are getting too difficult for you.

- Don’t point at someone while looking at them directly. This comes across as aggressive and authoritarian and, in some cultures, it’s insulting.

Good communicators use energy and enthusiasm to persuade their audience. Great communicators know they also need to explain what all the excitement is about. Next time you need to share something important, be sure you convey enthusiasm, but also clearly explain what’s at stake and answer the question "What does it mean?" Lay out what the issue, initiative, or problem is - and be clear about what it isn't as well. Use examples only if they help to make your point and support your claims. Then, define what you want to happen and establish clear expectations. Don't lose or confuse your audience with too many details - save these for written handouts.

A presenter’s biggest gift to an audience is to deliver a clear, concise message. Yet, audiences are often left wondering what the key message actually is in the sea of information provided. To make sure your message is crystal clear, use the 30, 15, 5, 1 strategy.

Simply put, if you have a 30-minute presentation, what would you cut out if you only had 15 minutes? What else would you cut if you only had five minutes? And, what if you ran into someone in the hallway later and only had one minute to share your information - what would you share that would intrigue them enough to give you more time? Using this strategy allows you to:

1) Crystallize the essence of your message, even if you have 30-minutes to present.

2) Effectively manage the most common “what if” scenarios (projector breaks down, time runs out before you've completed the agenda, someone needs to leave the room and asks for a high-level summary before they go).

3) Easily summarize your message for those critical hallway conversations.

Here are three ways to handle disruptions:

1. Be prepared. Know your audience before you walk into the room. Will they be receptive or hostile to what you have to say? Are they likely to be outspoken or sit quietly? Knowing what to expect helps you design a presentation that prevents disruptions before they happen.

2. Be flexible. If someone interrupts or heckles you, don't ignore him. By acknowledging the interruption, you're reminding the audience that you're the one in control, not the disrupter.

3. Be resolute. If the disruptions continue, ask people to hold their comments until the end. If that doesn't work, ask the audience to voice their opinion: do they want you to continue? Peer pressure can be a powerful way to silence disrupters.

Finally, Jim Rohn reminds us that, "You cannot speak that which you do not know. You cannot share that which you do not feel. You cannot translate that which you do not have. And you cannot give that which you do not possess. To give it and to share it, and for it to be effective, you first need to have it. Good communication starts with good preparation."

How to Stay Close to Your Significant Other.

Post 372 - "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky." ~ Hafez, (the most celebrated of the Persian poets - he lived from 1315 to 1390).

Having a spouse, a partner or a significant other is one of the most important relationships most of us ever have in life. Yet it's easy to grow apart, even when you’re living together. Here are some tips from the experts to help you stay close:

- Listen.
Listening, really listening, increases trust and decreases conflict, resulting in a more satisfying partnership. While this may sound simple, it requires more than being in the same room while your significant other is talking to you. Show that you care by making eye contact, turning off the television, giving your undivided attention, and following up on what you hear. This is especially important if your partner is upset. When you listen carefully, you’re more likely to understand what the issue is and then be able to find a way to help.

- Keep focusing on the positive.
When you first meet, you pay attention to all the things you like about the other person. As time goes on, however, you begin to take them for granted and your focus shifts instead to the things that bother you. If the relationship becomes more negative than positive, you’ll end up breaking up. The solution is to make a conscious effort to stay focused on the things you like. Every partner has many good qualities, as well as things that drive you crazy. So pay attention to the positives and learn to appreciate them. Even write them down occasionally so you won’t forget them.

- Don’t be a nag.
Nagging only creates tension, plus it usually gets you nowhere because your partner will tune you out. If someone isn't giving you what you want, think about what you’re doing instead. Have a dialogue where instead of saying what you don't like, say what you’d prefer. Suggest some alternatives. And always balance your criticisms with lots of positive feedback. That way, you take the edge off your remarks as you express appreciation for your partner's good qualities.

- Spend more time together.
Put "couples time" on your calendar to reinforce your sense of dedication and commitment to each other. Make these private times special by not including others. But don't just limit your interaction to designated couples time. Make time to enjoy each other's company first thing in the morning, at the end of the workday, and just before you go to bed. Use those times to talk about positive things. Make a special effort to greet each other at the end of the day. If you're home first, stop what you're doing when your partner arrives and spend a few moments together. Act like the other person is really important to you, and don’t just treat them like they’re the postman delivering the mail.

- Touch each other often.
In any deep relationship, physical communication is as important as emotional communication. It helps to relieve tension and shows your partner that you care. Go out of your way to show affection, and always sleep in the same bed together. Just assume you're going to have sex every night. It's really hard to fight if you're looking forward to having great sex!

- Own your relationship.
This means accepting responsibility for creating your own experience. You choose the attitudes that you bring into the relationship, and you choose how you act and how you react to your partner in the relationship.

- Accept your partner.
The need for acceptance is so profound that that most issues that cause conflict in a relationship ultimately come down to one or both partners feeling rejected - and, in turn, wanting to feel accepted.

- Promote their self-esteem.
Show your significant other that they’re loved and accepted simply because they exist. Everyone needs to get the message that they’re worthy of love (even if they sometimes behave badly) from the most important person in their life,

So, to summarize all of the above:
- give love with no strings attached,
- show acceptance through your daily expressions of affection, care and concern,
- spend time playing, working and relaxing together,
- tell them often, "I like what you did / said," and "I love you."

How to maintain a healthy relationship.

Post 371 - According to relationship guru, Denis Waitley, “It’s not what I think that counts, nor is it what you think that counts. It’s what I think you think and what you think I think that really counts.”

When you disagree with someone close to you, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like them. A healthy relationship doesn't require being in total agreement. Rather, it means agreeing to look in the same direction together. If you both take care to fight fair, you'll replace emotional shouting matches with caring problem-solving conversations. Here are some tips about how to proceed:

- Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them. Keep your expectations realistic. No one can be everything you might want them to be all the time.

- When you have a problem, agree on a time to talk about it together. Ask, "When is a good time to talk with you about something that's bothering me?" And avoid having tough conversations when you're feeling angry or tired.

- Talk with each other. This means making the time to do this and really being there when you do. Don’t plan what to say next while you’re listening. And don’t interrupt. Listen with your heart as well as your ears, so you pick up any emotional messages. Ask friendly and appropriate questions if you think you've missed the point. Show your interest by asking for opinions as well.

- Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you're struggling with the problem. Don’t open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Don’t criticize. Blame has no place in a healthy relationship.

- Let others speak for themselves - don’t assign feelings or motives to what they say. Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves.

- Don’t use your current concern as a reason to jump into everything else that's bothering you. Stay focused and on topic. Don’t use ammunition from the past to add fuel to the fire that you're now trying to put out.

- Be generous in sharing information about yourself, but don’t overwhelm the other person with too much, too soon.

- Be prepared to say "I’m sorry" when you’re wrong. This usually goes a long way toward making things right again. People in healthy relationships are willing to admit their mistakes.

- Don’t assume things. When you feel close to someone, it’s easy to think you know how they think and feel. However, in my experience, you never know why things are the way they are. Healthy relationships check things out. Never assume that what’s obvious to you is obvious to others. And to assume you know what’s best for another is insulting.

- Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone you trust who can help you find resolution — like your close friends, your family, your minister, or even your parents.

- A totally happy ending for everyone may not always be possible. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement. Be flexible.

- Don’t hold grudges - they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more you see the best in others, the healthier your relationships become. So, let go of past hurts and misunderstandings.

- The challenge is to make everyone a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who are prepared to work at solving their problems together.

- Healthy relationships are trustworthy, so make sure you're dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow through as agreed. If you've agreed to an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it.

- You can always leave a relationship. While loyalty is very important, healthy relationships focus on the now, not some hoped-for future development.

When and how to talk tough to others.

Post 370 - Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in Difficult Conversations point out that every conversation includes facts - the date you were born, how much you pay for your mortgage - that have clear, right and wrong answers. Questions where information on these facts is easily available seldom cause difficult exchanges. Tough conversations are much more likely about issues where people can have different values, preferences, judgments and interpretations. When this is the case, strong feelings and identity issues are easily triggered.

For example, you probably won’t have a tough conversation about how much you actually pay for life insurance. But things can get more complicated in a hurry when you discuss whether you have “enough” insurance coverage. Reasonable people have different comfort levels with risk and different values around responsibility. Each party feels that there’s a right answer to this, but in reality there isn’t.

Whenever a question with a right or wrong answer comes up in a tough conversation, the real issue is almost always something else that has to do with meaning, feelings or identity. Just insisting that you’re right won’t get you very far when others with differing opinions believe they’re right as well. Instead, try understanding why they think the way they do while explaining as clearly as you can why you believe what you believe and why you feel what you feel. You can be committed to your own perspective while working to understand that of others. Understanding and conviction aren’t mutually exclusive,

Sometimes, people really can have bad intentions towards you. They’re trying to harass you, or steal your job, or your spouse, or whatever. Even if you suspect this is true, start by giving them the benefit of the doubt, “I don’t know whether you know this, but I felt very frustrated when you took all the credit for ---- in today’s meeting. I expected you to say we both contributed equally.” If they’ve made a mistake, now you’ve brought it to their attention without accusing them. They can then change their behavior to make everything OK.

However, if they are actually out to get you, they now know that you’re aware of this. So if they do it again, you can call them on it right away, “I wonder if you’re doing this on purpose? If that’s the case, we have a real problem here that we need to resolve right away.”

Save your tough conversations for issues or relationships that are important to you. This doesn’t mean you have to like the other party. It may just mean your relationship with them has a big impact on your well-being - you need to have a good working relationship with your ex for the sake of the kids - or the relationship is important to someone else you care about - such as when your wife feels it’s important that you get along with her mother.

And always consider you’re relationship with yourself as well. Your self-esteem and identity depend on how diligent you are in speaking up for yourself.

For those of you in relationships with children, I recommend the following two books to help you learn to become better parents:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,
by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

and

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too,
also by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

How to have more productive conversations.

Post 369 - The key to having more productive conversations is not what the other person does as much as what you do differently yourself. You're the one who has to take the initiative to improve. By acting differently, you'll begin to change the patterns of communication with the other party and provoke different responses in them as well. Over time, you'll both end up changing how you deal with each other, in the process, develop a more resilient relationship.

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in their excellent book, Difficult Conversations; How to discuss what matters most, point out that there are often three conversations going on at the same time. It helps to understand what they are so you can then decouple and manage them.

First, there’s the What Happened Conversation.
Here, we often get stuck because we think our story is "right" while their story is "wrong." In practice, there's almost always some reasonable basis for both sides' stories. So it makes more sense to explore each other's stories instead of attacking theirs and defending ours.

We also often demonize the intentions of others while sanitizing our own. If they did something that hurt me, it was because they meant to. If I did something that hurt them, it was an unintended consequence because I had good intentions, etc. So, try to separate intent and impact.

With a few exceptions, it's rarely helpful to blame each other for whatever went wrong. It's more helpful to explore what each party contributed to the issue at hand.

Secondly, there’s the Feeling Conversation.
Our feelings often tend to leak into our conversations in unproductive ways. So to lessen the negative effects this produces, make an effort to have both parties identify, acknowledge and discuss how they feel.

Thirdly, there’s the Identity Conversation.
Sometimes, conversations are difficult because they threaten some aspect of our identity. We see ourselves as truthful, generous and fair, so anything that challenges that picture upsets us. Here, we need to revisit what's at stake for us and broaden our picture of who we are.

The real challenge in all this is to create a conversation where both parties can share, understand, learn and move on. Here are some helpful reminders:

- Start by describing what happened in a way that includes the other person, such as, “I’ve noticed we have a recurring argument where I see things this way and you see them that way. I’d like to talk about why that happens.” Use this to invite them to have a conversation with you.

- Pay attention to the old maxim: Listen first to understand, then to be understood. Look to find the pieces of the puzzle that you don’t have.

- Speak for yourself. Don’t speak for the other party or assume you know what they’re thinking or feeling.

- Take the lead in problem solving. Name troublesome dynamics in the conversation as they happen. Suggest better ways of talking to each other. Move to problem solving together after you’ve learned about their story. Remember it said together - don’t impose this on the other person.

More tomorrow.

Stages of Healthy Conflict Resolution.

Post 365 - Start by identifying the problem or the issue together with the preferred outcomes.

• In this initial stage, you say what you want and you listen to what the other person wants so everyone understands what's at stake. When you speak, use “I messages” and avoid the “blaming” messages. Also use active listening when paying attention to the other person’s point of view.

• The next brainstorming stage is to generate several possible solutions. Drawing on the things you both agree on and your shared goals and interests, look for several possible alternatives that might resolve the disagreement. Avoid evaluating and judging until it looks like no more ideas are forthcoming.

• Then evaluate each suggested solution and eliminate those that aren't acceptable to either party. Keep narrowing them down until you have just one or two that seem to best fit the situation. During this stage, both parties must be totally honest with each other and willing to say things like, "I wouldn’t be happy with that," or "I don’t think that would be fair for me."

• Now, select the alternative that's mutually acceptable to both of you. Make certain there's a mutual commitment to this decision.

• It's one thing to arrive at a decision, but it's another thing to carry it out. So it's important to talk about how it's going to be implemented, specifying who's responsible to do what and by when.

• Not all mutually agreed upon solutions turn out to be as good as initially expected. Arrange for the parties involved to routinely evaluate how the solution is working and how they feel about it. Something unexpected may have occurred or something may have been overlooked or misjudged. From the beginning, help both parties understand that decisions are always open for revision, but modifications have to be mutually agreed on in the same manner as the initial decision.

Here are some common mistakes:

- Not discussing with the other person the method used to resolve the conflicts.

- Discovering too late that more information was needed.

- Being too focused on getting your own way, or making extreme demands, and therefore not being flexible enough to be fair with others.

- Forgetting that there are usually several ways to do something. Your own reality isn’t the only reality. You’ll be much more effective if you’re willing to see the other person’s point of view.

- Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you both could gain.

- Believing the other person must lose for you to win.

- Bringing up additional issues before resolving the one that got you started.

If you both stay true to each other and true to yourselves, working together to resolve your disagreements will help you maintain a healthy relationship.

Managing conflict for healthy relationships.

Post 364 - "We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out," according to Winston Churchill. This is especially true in situations of disagreement. And there’s no such thing as a relationship without conflict. It's just a normal part of life and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict may be less healthy than one with frequent conflict.

Conflicts don't age gracefully. They can weaken or strengthen a relationship. They can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and separation. How the conflicts get resolved, not how often they occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.

We usually try to resolve conflicts by:

- Avoiding or denying the existence of the conflict.

- Giving in rather than struggling and working through the conflict.

- Getting mad and blaming the other party.

- Competing and winning, using power and influence to get our way.

- Appearing to compromise, but instead subtly manipulating events in an attempt to win.

However, some people learn to control their angry, competitive, I-give-up, self-serving feelings and to genuinely seek a solution that's fair and optimal for both parties. This is a healthy and integrative approach. Here are three types of healthy solutions:

- Win-win.
Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you don’t like the choice the other person favors, and they don’t like your choice, with a little more effort you might find another alternative that you both like and want.

- No lose.
When you can’t find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that’s at least acceptable to both parties, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything they wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.

- Win-lose equally.
When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what they want and the other won't. You'll end up with a winner and a loser. If you’re fair with each other and generally half-the-time each gets their own way, it'll be easier for everyone when they don’t. The loser will trust that next time, or the time after that, they'll end up the winner.

All this is easy to understand intellectually, but not so easy to apply and use consistently. For a start, both parties must view their conflict as a problem they want to solve together. It isn’t about just getting the best deal for 'me,' it’s finding the best solution for 'us.' This requires a joint commitment to being actively involved together in finding a fair and acceptable solution.

If you disregard, minimize or invalidate the other person’s position, or if you must always get your way, you'll invariably damage the relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect will cause hurt and smoldering resentment.

If you use fear and power to win, the relationship usually ends up mortally wounded.

If you’re just a willing giver, constantly trying to keep the other person happy by satisfying their needs and avoiding conflict, you’ll also damage the relationship. You’ll inadvertently teach the other party to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate, and resentment will fester, thus poisoning the relationship.

Tomorrow I'll describe the stages and steps in healthy conflict resolution.

How to communicate your feelings.

Post 362 - Use “I Messages” to communicate with others when feelings are involved. They’re called I messages because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. When using I messages, you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing another person of making you feel a certain way.

There are four parts to an “I message” -

1. "When ..."
Describe the person’s behavior you’re reacting to in an objective, non-blaming and non-judgmental way.

2. "The effects are ..."
Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. Your reaction is the most important part for the other person to understand.

3. "I feel ..."
Say how the behavior makes you feel. This is important to prevent a buildup of feelings.

4. "I’d prefer ..."
Say what you want or what you'd prefer the other person do. (You can sometimes omit this part if it’s very obvious).

Here are some examples:

"When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you spend time on your personal affairs."

"It’s very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."

Common mistakes are:

- Not expressing a feeling, but expressing a belief or judgment instead.

- Only expressing negative feelings.

- When your nonverbal body language contradicts the words. For example, smiling when irritated.

Here are some guidelines to consider when expressing your feelings:

- Be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you’re feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (specify irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, hurt, lonely, etc.).

- Specify the degree of the feelings, and you’ll reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I’m angry," it means you’re extremely angry, when you actually mean you’re just a little irritated.

- When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from immediately becoming defensive or intimidated. When the first words they hear are, "I'm angry with you," they may miss the rest of the message.

- If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I’ve got mixed feelings about what you just did. I’m glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. I thought it was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating."

- Whenever you tell someone they’re wrong and you’re angry at the same time, you’ll probably make an enemy. Anytime negative emotion enters into a conversation, the conversation continues but communication stops.

- To get better information, ask “What,” not “Why” questions.

- “What” questions are fact oriented (“What was in your mind when you did that?”).

- “Why” questions trigger emotional responses. (“Why did you do that?”)

- Don't argue - listen instead. It’s physically impossible to say something wrong if you’re listening. And you may just learn something about the other person’s point of view. Then test and summarize – “Are you saying that this is what’s important to you?”

And last but not least, be careful of the words you use:

- Avoid the word “but.” Everything said before that word is window dressing and is ignored once you’ve said it.

- The word “try” (“I’ll try to get that done on time”) usually means it’s not going to happen. When someone says “try,” ask more questions. In many cases, they don’t know how to do what they’re being asked to do. They need help and they’re not planning to ask for it.

- Use people’s names when you talk with them. You get more attention from people when you address them by their name.

- Using variety when speaking. Talk fast and then talk more slowly.

- Avoid sarcasm, condescension and negativity. It’s easy for smart people to rip others to shreds in a clever, articulate and funny way. Such “put downs” are never helpful in building meaningful relationships.

How to engage in active listening.

Post 361 – I’ve learned a lot about active listening from many years spent coaching senior executives. These are people who often have no one they can talk with openly about important personal and business decisions they need to deal with. Usually, they don't expect instant answers to their problems and challenges. Rather, they want me to listen with them to their thought processes and to search with them for flaws in their reasoning. You don't really know what you believe until you hear yourself saying it out loud.

It's very important that these executives experience that I'm really listening to them intently, with no judgment or distraction. This makes our time together quantifiably different from all of their other interactions. I’ve learned that you can actually 'listen' people into making decisions and engaging in actions that people would ignore if you just told them what you thought they should do. I’ve also found that:

- It helps people spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without judgment or criticism.

- Sometimes people just needs to be heard and acknowledged before they’re willing to consider an alternative or to soften their position.

- It’s often easier for someone to listen to and consider another position when they know the other party is listening to and is considering their own position.

- It helps identify areas of agreement so that areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are thus diminished rather than magnified.

- Reflecting back what we hear each other say gives each party a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on beneath the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.

- If we accurately understand someone's point of view, we can be more effective in helping them see the flaws in their position. If we listen so we accurately understand another point of view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.

Here are some other listening tips:

- Usually it’s important to use your own words in paraphrasing your understanding of what you hear. Parroting back someone’s words verbatim is annoying and doesn’t convey an accurate understanding of the message.

- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words - look for the feelings or intent behind the words. The dictionary or surface meaning usually doesn’t convey the full message.

- Don’t follow your impulse and answer questions immediately they're asked. Sometimes when people ask questions, they really just want to express themselves and aren’t open to hearing an answer.

- Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.

- Know when to stop using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it's time to respond with your own message.

- If you’re confused and think you don’t understand, tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to say it another way. Alternatively, use your best guess. If you’re wrong, the other party will usually try to correct your misunderstanding.

- Active listening is a very effective first response to someone who's angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in important relationships.

- Use eye contact and be aware of your body language. Avoid looking at your watch, or at other people, or at other activities going on nearby. Face the speaker, lean forward toward them and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms as this makes you appear closed or critical.

- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their point of view.

How to communicate more effectively.

Post 360 - To build or maintain a relationship requires that you communicate honestly and reveal yourself to someone else. People naturally hold back until they’re aware of the intentions of others. Recurring and stable reciprocity is the building block of trust. The more we trust someone, the more deeply we can communicate with them.

Recent studies suggest that over 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Attitude, spirit and body language are all factors in the communication process. Understandings or misunderstandings in verbal communication come through the interpretation of three things:

1. about 7% of our interpretation is based on the words used.
2. about 33% of our interpretation is based on the tones used.
3. about 60% of our interpretation is based on body language.

Tone is a more significant factor in communication than the words or body language used. A person can say “have a nice day,” but by their tone make it clear that they wish the opposite.

So, there’s a lot more to communicating than talking. Listening is also important. "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."

• Here are some tips on effective listening:

Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he or she wants something, feels discomfort, or has feelings or thoughts about something. When deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he or she believes will effectively deliver the message. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.

• Sources of difficulty by the speaker:

- Voice too soft to be heard.

- Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.

- Getting lost, forgetting the point or the purpose of the interaction.

- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.

- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.

- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.

• Sources of difficulty by the listener:

- Being preoccupied and not listening.

- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.

- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.

- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.

- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.

- Not asking for clarification when you know that you don't understand.

There are three basic listening modes:

1. Competitive or Combative Listening; We’re more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention, we're impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.

2. In Passive or Attentive Listening, we’re genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We’re attentive and assume that we heard and understand correctly, but we don’t verify it.

3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we’re genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, but we’re active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification.