Are you qualified to be a "professional."

Post 512 - The following short quiz consists of four questions and tells whether you're qualified to be considered a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer. The questions aren’t that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you didn’t answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There’s a river you must cross, but it’s inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

This seems to confirm what I've often suspected - that some professionals lack the brains of a four-year-old.

This little pig .....etc.

Post 507 - I'm in the mood for pig stories today...

A pig went into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." A little while later another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for two glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom.

The bartender said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." Soon after, another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for three glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." Then another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for four glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right."

After a little while another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for five glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and the pig drank all five glasses and was about to leave when the bartender stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. All these other pigs have come in here and drank between one and four glasses of water and they all needed to use the restroom. But you drank five whole glasses of water. Why don't you need to use the restroom too?" And the pig replied, "Don't you know the story? I'm the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

And here's another piece of pig folklore:

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, "Sure, we can put you up." The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human.

Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg. Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?" The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?" The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal." The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal" The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork.

He asks "What about the wooden leg?" The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

Homage to Edward A. Murphy Jr.

Post 457 - Not many people know that Major Edward A. Murphy, Jr. (1918–1990), an American aerospace engineer working at Edwards Air Force Base, was the originator of the well-known Murphy's Law in 1949. Frustrated with a device that wouldn't work consistently due to an error in wiring, he remarked, "If there's any way to do it wrong, he will," referring to the technician who had wired the device. Hence,
Murphy's Law - If anything can go wrong, it will.

Since Murphy's time, many other less well known laws have been postulated. Here are just a few of them:

Iles's Law - There's always an easier way to do it.

Cotter's Law - Things will be damaged in direct proportion to their value.

Boling's Law - If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Rudin's Law - In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

The Fifth Law on Thermodynamics - Things get worse under pressure.

Etorre's Law - The other line always moves faster.

Boob's Law - You always find something the last place you look.

Paul's Law - You can't fall off the floor.

Barbara's Law - It works better if you plug it in.

Bueller's Law - Whenever something is completely understood, some damn fool discovers something which either makes it obsolete or changes it beyond all recognition.

Jon's Law - A person's expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Osborn's Law - Variables won't; constants aren't.

Jones's Law - Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Howard's Law - A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Emily's Law - You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

Fett's Law - Never replicate a successful experiment.

Caitlan's Law - All great discoveries are made by mistake. The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

Johnson's Law - If you miss one issue of a magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.

Mary's Law - The minute you sit down on the toilet, the phone will wring.

Etc, etc.

What's your favorite version of Murphy's Law?

Familiar laws of reality.

Post 404 - Someone reminded me of these invariant laws of the universe over the weekend and I'm sharing them with you this morning. I trust you'll find them familiar - I certainly did. Do you have any you'd like to add?

The Law of Mechanical Repair.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

The Law of Gravity.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

The Law of Probability.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to how stupidly you're acting.

The Law of Random Numbers.
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

The Law of the Alibi.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you'll have a flat tire.

The Law of Variation.
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you're in now.

The Law of the Bath.
When your body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

The Law of Close Encounters.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.

The Law of the Result.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Law of Biomechanics.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.

The Law of the Theater.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law.
As soon as you get a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee gets cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers.
If there are only two people in a locker room, they'll have adjacent lockers.

The Law of Physical Surfaces.
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they'll stop making it.

The Doctors' Law.
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there, you'll feel better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.