Post 564 - Michael Steinhardt was one of the first, and most successful, hedge fund managers. From the late '60s through the mid-'90s, Steinhardt's hedge fund compounded money at 24 percent annually after fees. Here are Steinhardt's six rules of success:
1. Make all your mistakes early in life: The more tough lessons you learn early on, the fewer (bigger) errors you make later. A common mistake of all young investors is to be too trusting with brokers, analysts, and newsletters who are trying to sell them something.
2. Always make your living doing something you enjoy: Then you can devote your full intensity for success over the long-term.
3. Be intellectually competitive: Do constant research on subjects that make you money. Plow through the data so as to be able to sense a major change coming in the macro situation.
4. Learn to make good decisions even with incomplete information: Investors never have all the data they need before they put their money at risk. Investing is all about decision-making with imperfect information. You will never have all the info you need. What matters is what you do with the information you have. Do your homework and focus on the facts that matter most in any investing situation.
5. Always trust your intuition: Intuition is more than just a hunch -- it resembles a hidden supercomputer in the mind that you're not even aware is there. It can help you do the right thing at the right time if you give it a chance. Over time, your own trading experience will help develop your intuition, so that major pitfalls can be avoided.
6. Don't make small investments: You only have so much time and energy when you put your money in play. So, if you're going to put money at risk, make sure the reward is high enough to justify it.
Peter Lynch says: "I've always believed that searching for companies is like looking for grubs under rocks: if you turn over 10 rocks you'll likely find one grub; if you turn over 20 rocks you'll find two. During [some market stretches], I’ve had to turn over thousands of rocks ..."
Showing posts with label Life skills.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life skills.. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
A parable about carrots, eggs and coffee.
Post 543 - I'm not sure where I got this from but after reading this ... you’ll probably never look at carrots, eggs or coffee in the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how difficult things were for her. She was tired of fighting and struggling. As soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose. She said she didn’t know how she was going to continue and was ready to give up.
Her mother took her into the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high heat. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about 20-minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?” “Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich flavor.
The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?” Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water … and each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquefied interior, but after sitting in the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?' she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?”
"Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?"
"Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Does your shell look the same, but are you bitter and tough on the inside?"
"Or, are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you’re like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?"
So, dear reader, are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how difficult things were for her. She was tired of fighting and struggling. As soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose. She said she didn’t know how she was going to continue and was ready to give up.
Her mother took her into the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high heat. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about 20-minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?” “Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich flavor.
The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?” Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water … and each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquefied interior, but after sitting in the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?' she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?”
"Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?"
"Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Does your shell look the same, but are you bitter and tough on the inside?"
"Or, are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you’re like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?"
So, dear reader, are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What sex can do for your brain.
Post 535 - I have my doubts that you need another reason to have sex, but in case you were searching for one that also happens to provide an excellent side effect, you've come to the right place today. According to LiveScience.com, scientists at Princeton University who study rats found that not only do sexually active rats appear to be "less anxious" than their virginal counterparts, but the activity also helps grow the rats' brains.
It seems that scientists played matchmaker by pairing up adult male rats with "sexually receptive" females, either once a day for two weeks or just once every two-weeks. Those two groups were then compared with male virgins and it turned out that the sexually active groups had more neurons in the hippocampus (an area of the brain tied to memory), while the rats who were the most sexually active had growth in adult brain cells and more connections between the cells.
However, the rats that only saw females once every two weeks had elevated levels of stress hormones, while the rats that had regular access showed no increase in their hormones. Sexually experienced rodents also proved to be less anxious than the virgin rats. As the article notes, the findings suggest that while stress hormones can be detrimental to the brain, these effects can be overridden if the experiences that triggered them were pleasant. And, apparently, if those experiences also happen more regularly.
Bigger brains and less stress? Just the reason you were looking for, right?
It seems that scientists played matchmaker by pairing up adult male rats with "sexually receptive" females, either once a day for two weeks or just once every two-weeks. Those two groups were then compared with male virgins and it turned out that the sexually active groups had more neurons in the hippocampus (an area of the brain tied to memory), while the rats who were the most sexually active had growth in adult brain cells and more connections between the cells.
However, the rats that only saw females once every two weeks had elevated levels of stress hormones, while the rats that had regular access showed no increase in their hormones. Sexually experienced rodents also proved to be less anxious than the virgin rats. As the article notes, the findings suggest that while stress hormones can be detrimental to the brain, these effects can be overridden if the experiences that triggered them were pleasant. And, apparently, if those experiences also happen more regularly.
Bigger brains and less stress? Just the reason you were looking for, right?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
How to think about the stock market.
Post 510 - Here are some words of wisdom from the master of the business universe, Warren Buffett:
- "In a bull market, one must avoid the error of the preening duck that quacks boastfully after a torrential rainstorm, thinking that its paddling skills have caused it to rise in the world. A right-thinking duck would instead compare its position after the downpour to that of the other ducks on the pond."
- "The fact that people will be full of greed, fear or folly is predictable. The sequence is not predictable."
- "It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price."
- "When a management with a reputation for brilliance tackles a business with a reputation for bad economics, it's usually the reputation of the business that remains intact."
- "Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing."
- "Whether we’re talking about socks or stocks, I like buying quality merchandise when it is marked down."
- "I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over."
- "If a business does well, the stock eventually follows."
- "Look at market fluctuations as your friend rather than your enemy; profit from folly rather than participate in it."
- "Most people get interested in stocks when everyone else is. The time to get interested is when no one else is. You can’t buy what's popular and do well."
- "The line separating investment and speculation, which is never bright and clear, becomes blurred still further when most market participants have recently enjoyed triumphs. Nothing sedates rationality like large doses of effortless money. After a heady experience of that kind, normally sensible people drift into behavior akin to that of Cinderella at the ball. They know that overstaying the festivities — that is, continuing to speculate in companies that have gigantic valuations relative to the cash they are likely to generate in the future — will eventually bring on pumpkins and mice. But they nevertheless hate to miss a single minute of what is one helluva party. Therefore, the giddy participants all plan to leave just seconds before midnight. There’s a problem, though: They are dancing in a room in which the clocks have no hands."
- "Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks."
- "Never count on making a good sale. Have the purchase price be so attractive that even a mediocre sale gives good results."
- "Investors making purchases in an overheated market need to recognize that it may often take an extended period for the value of even an outstanding company to catch up with the price they paid."
- "The investor of today doesn't profit from yesterday's growth."
- "I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will."
- "In a bull market, one must avoid the error of the preening duck that quacks boastfully after a torrential rainstorm, thinking that its paddling skills have caused it to rise in the world. A right-thinking duck would instead compare its position after the downpour to that of the other ducks on the pond."
- "The fact that people will be full of greed, fear or folly is predictable. The sequence is not predictable."
- "It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price."
- "When a management with a reputation for brilliance tackles a business with a reputation for bad economics, it's usually the reputation of the business that remains intact."
- "Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing."
- "Whether we’re talking about socks or stocks, I like buying quality merchandise when it is marked down."
- "I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over."
- "If a business does well, the stock eventually follows."
- "Look at market fluctuations as your friend rather than your enemy; profit from folly rather than participate in it."
- "Most people get interested in stocks when everyone else is. The time to get interested is when no one else is. You can’t buy what's popular and do well."
- "The line separating investment and speculation, which is never bright and clear, becomes blurred still further when most market participants have recently enjoyed triumphs. Nothing sedates rationality like large doses of effortless money. After a heady experience of that kind, normally sensible people drift into behavior akin to that of Cinderella at the ball. They know that overstaying the festivities — that is, continuing to speculate in companies that have gigantic valuations relative to the cash they are likely to generate in the future — will eventually bring on pumpkins and mice. But they nevertheless hate to miss a single minute of what is one helluva party. Therefore, the giddy participants all plan to leave just seconds before midnight. There’s a problem, though: They are dancing in a room in which the clocks have no hands."
- "Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks."
- "Never count on making a good sale. Have the purchase price be so attractive that even a mediocre sale gives good results."
- "Investors making purchases in an overheated market need to recognize that it may often take an extended period for the value of even an outstanding company to catch up with the price they paid."
- "The investor of today doesn't profit from yesterday's growth."
- "I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
How to write a book proposal.
Post 506 - This is something I get asked about all the time, so here are some tips and guidelines about preparing a book proposal that I learned from my agent, Michael Snell. Most editors ask the same questions about any book proposal that's submitted to them for review:
- does the material have a proven book-buying audience?
- does it compliment rather than duplicate what's already been published?
- why is the author qualified to write this book?
- how well does he know his subject?
- can he write well?
- will the final manuscript confirm the promise of the proposal?
So, a good proposal answers these questions, clearly and compellingly, by presenting the following information:
- a title page with the title (and subtitle), the author's name, the address of the author's agent, and the book title. The best titles are short, enticing, catchy and clear.
- a three to five page synopsis that "pitches" the book, listing previously published examples and explaining why this book is unique. Contrast the proposal with the competition. Include sales figures, statistics and other qualified arguments that show there's a wide audience for the material you plan to present.
- a one or two page biographical sketch, written like a press release, that establishes the author's expertise, demonstrates his writing ability, and depicts him as presentable and promotable. Editors give credit for previously published work, even if the work was quite different from the book that's now being proposed.
- a one-page bird's-eye view of the scope of the book, listing chapter titles only. These should be catchy, lively, clear and enticing. At the bottom of the page, include the approximate number of words, the desired format (hardcover or paperback), and the projected delivery date.
- summarize each chapter in one or two paragraphs. Show the logical flow from chapter to chapter and illustrate the internal logic within each chapter. Use concrete examples and anecdotes to enliven the presentation.
- show that the manuscript will live up to its promise by including a sample chapter from the book or a few pages of actual text from each chapter. A brilliant proposal can be ruined by weak chapter examples. Similarly, strong samples will seldom overcome a weak proposal.
Most traditional publishers won't even consider manuscripts submitted directly by a potential author anymore but rely on the endorsement of a qualified literary agent. Agents always want to represent their clients exclusively and will likely dismiss any query that seems to have gone to other agents as well at the same time. So submit material to one agent at a time and include a self-addressed, stamped envelope if you want a response or want your material returned.
For more information, go to: http://www.michaelsnellagency.com
- does the material have a proven book-buying audience?
- does it compliment rather than duplicate what's already been published?
- why is the author qualified to write this book?
- how well does he know his subject?
- can he write well?
- will the final manuscript confirm the promise of the proposal?
So, a good proposal answers these questions, clearly and compellingly, by presenting the following information:
- a title page with the title (and subtitle), the author's name, the address of the author's agent, and the book title. The best titles are short, enticing, catchy and clear.
- a three to five page synopsis that "pitches" the book, listing previously published examples and explaining why this book is unique. Contrast the proposal with the competition. Include sales figures, statistics and other qualified arguments that show there's a wide audience for the material you plan to present.
- a one or two page biographical sketch, written like a press release, that establishes the author's expertise, demonstrates his writing ability, and depicts him as presentable and promotable. Editors give credit for previously published work, even if the work was quite different from the book that's now being proposed.
- a one-page bird's-eye view of the scope of the book, listing chapter titles only. These should be catchy, lively, clear and enticing. At the bottom of the page, include the approximate number of words, the desired format (hardcover or paperback), and the projected delivery date.
- summarize each chapter in one or two paragraphs. Show the logical flow from chapter to chapter and illustrate the internal logic within each chapter. Use concrete examples and anecdotes to enliven the presentation.
- show that the manuscript will live up to its promise by including a sample chapter from the book or a few pages of actual text from each chapter. A brilliant proposal can be ruined by weak chapter examples. Similarly, strong samples will seldom overcome a weak proposal.
Most traditional publishers won't even consider manuscripts submitted directly by a potential author anymore but rely on the endorsement of a qualified literary agent. Agents always want to represent their clients exclusively and will likely dismiss any query that seems to have gone to other agents as well at the same time. So submit material to one agent at a time and include a self-addressed, stamped envelope if you want a response or want your material returned.
For more information, go to: http://www.michaelsnellagency.com
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
How to think smarter.
Post 495 - Since the days of Descartes, the 17th century mathematician, Western science has followed the belief that the mind and the body are separate. Although we now know that emotions and the mind play a critical role in our physical responses, many doctors still practice medicine as if this were not so. And scientists know surprisingly little about how to apply the new knowledge of the neurosciences in real life situations. However, current research is shedding light on a number of areas: the unreliability of memory, our capacity to keep learning as we age, the good that exercise does, and the harm caused by stress. Here are some more details:
- Accurately recorded memory is a very rare thing because the brain isn't interested in reality but is interested in survival instead. So it changes the perception of reality in order to stay in the survival mode. The moment of fixing a memory is so complex that we have little understanding of what exactly happens. We do know that our memory, such as it is, can be very easily modified by traces of earlier memories. So, it appears that our understanding of reality is approximate at best. Memory isn't fixed at the moment of learning, but repetition improves the odds of retrieval.
You can produce more reliable long-term memories by consistency re-exposing yourself to the information, and by a phenomenon known as "elaborative rehearsal." Elaborative rehearsal is relating new material to material that's already familiar so it can be more easily remembered. For example, if you're presented with a list of digits for later recall (4968214), grouping the digits together to form a phone number transforms them from a meaningless string of digits to something that has meaning. You can also improve your chances of remembering something if you can reproduce the environment in which you first put it into your brain. If you learned something when you were sad, you're likely to recall it better if you're also sad when you try to remember it.
- A lot of research findings connect exercise - especially aerobic exercise - with brain health. Since exercise is good for the cardiovascular system, it follows that it keeps the blood vessels in the brain healthy as well. There's a growing body of scientific opinion that a many Alzheimer's cases are vascular rather than genetic in origin. Research shows that people who exercise regularly are 50% less likely to contract the disease compared to those who don't.
- Stress causes the body to produce a set of hormones called glucocortoids (cortisol or hydrocortisone is the most important one in humans). These are good for short-term responses to stress but in the longer-term, they damage the body, including the brain. People suffering from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, malnutrition, and alcohol abuse are often found to have elevated glucocortoid levels in their bloodstream.
Stress hormones seem to congregate in the hippocampus, a part of the brain that's deeply involved in many aspects of human learning. As a result, people who are stressed don't do well at math. They don't process language very efficiently either and they have poorer short- and long-term memories. These are often the skills needed in business so stress causes people to be less efficient at work. Some studies conservatively estimate the financial costs in the U.S. of the lost productivity that results at more than $200 billion a year.
Now you know why 70% of us don't handle conflict or stress effectively. The decisions we make today for ease and lowered stress charge high interest rates. There’s no thirty-year fixed option on the price of reality. It’s a balloon note which always come due when we’re least able to pay.
One way to keep abreast of the many exciting findings emerging in brain research is to subscribe to the Scripps Research Institute newsletter at:
http://www.scripps.edu/e_index.html
- Accurately recorded memory is a very rare thing because the brain isn't interested in reality but is interested in survival instead. So it changes the perception of reality in order to stay in the survival mode. The moment of fixing a memory is so complex that we have little understanding of what exactly happens. We do know that our memory, such as it is, can be very easily modified by traces of earlier memories. So, it appears that our understanding of reality is approximate at best. Memory isn't fixed at the moment of learning, but repetition improves the odds of retrieval.
You can produce more reliable long-term memories by consistency re-exposing yourself to the information, and by a phenomenon known as "elaborative rehearsal." Elaborative rehearsal is relating new material to material that's already familiar so it can be more easily remembered. For example, if you're presented with a list of digits for later recall (4968214), grouping the digits together to form a phone number transforms them from a meaningless string of digits to something that has meaning. You can also improve your chances of remembering something if you can reproduce the environment in which you first put it into your brain. If you learned something when you were sad, you're likely to recall it better if you're also sad when you try to remember it.
- A lot of research findings connect exercise - especially aerobic exercise - with brain health. Since exercise is good for the cardiovascular system, it follows that it keeps the blood vessels in the brain healthy as well. There's a growing body of scientific opinion that a many Alzheimer's cases are vascular rather than genetic in origin. Research shows that people who exercise regularly are 50% less likely to contract the disease compared to those who don't.
- Stress causes the body to produce a set of hormones called glucocortoids (cortisol or hydrocortisone is the most important one in humans). These are good for short-term responses to stress but in the longer-term, they damage the body, including the brain. People suffering from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, malnutrition, and alcohol abuse are often found to have elevated glucocortoid levels in their bloodstream.
Stress hormones seem to congregate in the hippocampus, a part of the brain that's deeply involved in many aspects of human learning. As a result, people who are stressed don't do well at math. They don't process language very efficiently either and they have poorer short- and long-term memories. These are often the skills needed in business so stress causes people to be less efficient at work. Some studies conservatively estimate the financial costs in the U.S. of the lost productivity that results at more than $200 billion a year.
Now you know why 70% of us don't handle conflict or stress effectively. The decisions we make today for ease and lowered stress charge high interest rates. There’s no thirty-year fixed option on the price of reality. It’s a balloon note which always come due when we’re least able to pay.
One way to keep abreast of the many exciting findings emerging in brain research is to subscribe to the Scripps Research Institute newsletter at:
http://www.scripps.edu/e_index.html
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
How to get lucky in life.
Post 481 - I read somewhere that Napoleon would line his generals up before a battle and ask each one if he felt lucky. The ones who said they did were the ones he put in command. That’s because he believed they had confidence. All things are possible to the person who believes they’re possible.
That which you resist, you create, exaggerate, or become.
That which you resist gets worse.
That which you resist eventually owns you.
Accountability is about changing your focus from areas that are outside your control to areas that are in your control.
You can increase success in your life by:
- Acknowledging reality
- Owning it
- Finding solutions
- Taking action to implement them.
Ask yourself:
- How do I feel right now?
- What do I “really” want?
- Am I getting closer to what I want?
- If not, what else could I be doing?
- If not now, when?
Life depends on how you look at it, how you see it, how you believe it to be.
I saw a sign the other day that I read as “Now Here” whereas someone with me said they saw it as “Nowhere.”
OPPORTUNITY IS NOWHERE.
OPPORTUNITY IS NOW. HERE.
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t … either way, you’re right.
Start each morning by asking yourself:
- What am I happy about right now?
- What am I excited about today?
- What am I most proud of?
- What am I grateful for or blessed by?
- Who do I love?
- Who loves me?
- What do they love about me?
- What am I committed to?
The complete formula for getting lucky in life is:
Preparation (personal growth) + Attitude (belief/mindset) + Opportunity (luck) + Action (doing something about it) = How You Get Lucky
Listen to Jimmy Jones who advises, “Make a bet every day, otherwise you might walk around lucky and never know it.”
That which you resist, you create, exaggerate, or become.
That which you resist gets worse.
That which you resist eventually owns you.
Accountability is about changing your focus from areas that are outside your control to areas that are in your control.
You can increase success in your life by:
- Acknowledging reality
- Owning it
- Finding solutions
- Taking action to implement them.
Ask yourself:
- How do I feel right now?
- What do I “really” want?
- Am I getting closer to what I want?
- If not, what else could I be doing?
- If not now, when?
Life depends on how you look at it, how you see it, how you believe it to be.
I saw a sign the other day that I read as “Now Here” whereas someone with me said they saw it as “Nowhere.”
OPPORTUNITY IS NOWHERE.
OPPORTUNITY IS NOW. HERE.
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t … either way, you’re right.
Start each morning by asking yourself:
- What am I happy about right now?
- What am I excited about today?
- What am I most proud of?
- What am I grateful for or blessed by?
- Who do I love?
- Who loves me?
- What do they love about me?
- What am I committed to?
The complete formula for getting lucky in life is:
Preparation (personal growth) + Attitude (belief/mindset) + Opportunity (luck) + Action (doing something about it) = How You Get Lucky
Listen to Jimmy Jones who advises, “Make a bet every day, otherwise you might walk around lucky and never know it.”
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wisdom for the 21st century.
Post 472 - Wisdom is defined as a deep understanding of people, things, events or situations, which results in the ability to choose or act to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time and energy. These aphorisms on life and the way you should live are from The Art of Worldly Wisdom, which was written in 1637 by a Spanish Jesuit priest called Baltasar Gracian. The book is a collection of 300 paragraphs on various topics giving advice and guidance on how to live fully, advance socially, and be a better person. It has as much to teach us today as it had in the seventeenth century.
- Do good a little at a time, but often.
- Have no careless days.
- Keep to yourself the final touches of your art.
- Do not show your wounded finger.
- Attempt easy tasks as if they were difficult and difficult as if they were easy.
- Never let things be seen half finished.
- Do not explain too much.
- Do not carry fools on your back.
- Watch out for people who begin with another's concern in order to end with their own.
- Leave something to wish for.
- In all things keep something in reserve.
- Never have a companion who puts you in the shade
- Have knowledge, or know those who do.
- Get used to the failings of those around you.
- Do not be the slave of first impressions.
- Always act as if others were watching.
- Do and be seen doing.
- Use, but do not abuse, cunning.
- Drain nothing to the dregs, neither good nor bad.
- Do good a little at a time, but often.
- Have no careless days.
- Keep to yourself the final touches of your art.
- Do not show your wounded finger.
- Attempt easy tasks as if they were difficult and difficult as if they were easy.
- Never let things be seen half finished.
- Do not explain too much.
- Do not carry fools on your back.
- Watch out for people who begin with another's concern in order to end with their own.
- Leave something to wish for.
- In all things keep something in reserve.
- Never have a companion who puts you in the shade
- Have knowledge, or know those who do.
- Get used to the failings of those around you.
- Do not be the slave of first impressions.
- Always act as if others were watching.
- Do and be seen doing.
- Use, but do not abuse, cunning.
- Drain nothing to the dregs, neither good nor bad.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Words of wisdom from my father.
Post 467 - For some reason, I woke up thinking about my late father this morning. He's been dead for 25-years now and was always a man of few words when he was alive. However, what he said was always worth listening to and I learned many life lessons from him. My mother, on the other hand, taught me about behavior modification: "Stop acting like your father!"
Anyway, I remember him fondly and here's some of what he tried to teach me:
• The world doesn't pay off on effort . . . it pays off on results.
• You'll never choke to death swallowing your pride.
• You are what you do, not what you say you are.
• If you burn your bridges, you'd better be a real good swimmer.
• Education is like exercise. As soon as you quit, you begin to lose the benefits.
• If you win, say little. If you lose, say less.
• You’re judged by what you finish, not by what you start.
• Winning is sweeter when you've played the game fairly.
• Always stand up for what you know in your heart is right.
• Family comes first, above all else.
• Work at what you love, do your absolute best and be happy.
• Live within your means.
• Always buy “the good article.”
• Women appreciate a man who knows how to dance.
I will open my mouth in a parable. I will utter dark sayings of old.
Things that we have heard and known that our fathers told us
We will not hide them from their children, but tell it to the coming generations.
- Psalm 78: 1-4
Anyway, I remember him fondly and here's some of what he tried to teach me:
• The world doesn't pay off on effort . . . it pays off on results.
• You'll never choke to death swallowing your pride.
• You are what you do, not what you say you are.
• If you burn your bridges, you'd better be a real good swimmer.
• Education is like exercise. As soon as you quit, you begin to lose the benefits.
• If you win, say little. If you lose, say less.
• You’re judged by what you finish, not by what you start.
• Winning is sweeter when you've played the game fairly.
• Always stand up for what you know in your heart is right.
• Family comes first, above all else.
• Work at what you love, do your absolute best and be happy.
• Live within your means.
• Always buy “the good article.”
• Women appreciate a man who knows how to dance.
I will open my mouth in a parable. I will utter dark sayings of old.
Things that we have heard and known that our fathers told us
We will not hide them from their children, but tell it to the coming generations.
- Psalm 78: 1-4
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Children learn what they live.
Post 456 - An ancient Chinese proverb says, “A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark.” Children also learn what they live … this is the name of the following piece which Dorothy Nolte wrote in 1954 to fill a weekly family advice column in a Torrance California newspaper. It went on to become a child-rearing anthem for parents around the world and has been reprinted in over thirty languages.
Dorothy Law Nolte Ph.D. (1924 – 2005) was a writer and family counselor, the mother of three, grandmother of three, and great grandmother of five.
Children learn what they live.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be tolerant.
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security
He learns faith.
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find love in the world.
Dorothy Law Nolte Ph.D. (1924 – 2005) was a writer and family counselor, the mother of three, grandmother of three, and great grandmother of five.
Children learn what they live.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be tolerant.
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security
He learns faith.
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find love in the world.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
How do you use your time?
Post 452 - Each day blesses us with 24-hours. That's 1440-minutes. No more, no less. Time is relentless. Unlike other resources, it can’t be bought or sold, borrowed or stolen, stacked up or saved, manufactured, reproduced, or modified. All we can do is make use of it. And whether we used it wisely or not, it nevertheless slips away.
If you want to know how effectively you're managing your time, try answering the following questions:
- Do you have - in writing - a clearly defined set of lifetime goals?
- Do you have a similar set of goals for the next six-months?
- Have you done something today to move you closer to your lifetime goals? Your short-term goals?
- Do you have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish during the coming week?
- Do you concentrate on objectives instead of procedures, judging accomplishment rather than activity?
- Do you set priorities according to importance, not urgency?
- Do you delegate as much work as possible?
- Do you delegate challenging tasks as well as routine ones?
- Do you delegate authority as well as responsibility?
- Do you prevent subordinates from delegating upwards those decisions and tasks they find difficult or stressful?
- Have you taken steps to prevent unneeded publications and information from intruding on your time?
- When wondering if you should keep something, do you follow the principle: "When in doubt, toss it out?"
- Do you force yourself to make minor decisions quickly?
- Do you always set deadlines for yourself and others?
- Are you on guard against the recurring crisis, taking steps to make sure it won't occur again?
- Have you discontinued any time-wasting routines or activities lately?
- Do you try to live in the present, thinking of what can be done now rather than rehashing the past or worrying about the future?
- Are you continually trying to implement ideas that will help you make better use of your time?
I suggest taking this quiz every six-months. And if any of the answers are no, stop and figure out what you can do to correct the situation. The price of using your time effectively is eternal vigilance - however, the rewards are well worth it.
Planning how to use your time wisely takes time. Everything else takes longer.
If you want to know how effectively you're managing your time, try answering the following questions:
- Do you have - in writing - a clearly defined set of lifetime goals?
- Do you have a similar set of goals for the next six-months?
- Have you done something today to move you closer to your lifetime goals? Your short-term goals?
- Do you have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish during the coming week?
- Do you concentrate on objectives instead of procedures, judging accomplishment rather than activity?
- Do you set priorities according to importance, not urgency?
- Do you delegate as much work as possible?
- Do you delegate challenging tasks as well as routine ones?
- Do you delegate authority as well as responsibility?
- Do you prevent subordinates from delegating upwards those decisions and tasks they find difficult or stressful?
- Have you taken steps to prevent unneeded publications and information from intruding on your time?
- When wondering if you should keep something, do you follow the principle: "When in doubt, toss it out?"
- Do you force yourself to make minor decisions quickly?
- Do you always set deadlines for yourself and others?
- Are you on guard against the recurring crisis, taking steps to make sure it won't occur again?
- Have you discontinued any time-wasting routines or activities lately?
- Do you try to live in the present, thinking of what can be done now rather than rehashing the past or worrying about the future?
- Are you continually trying to implement ideas that will help you make better use of your time?
I suggest taking this quiz every six-months. And if any of the answers are no, stop and figure out what you can do to correct the situation. The price of using your time effectively is eternal vigilance - however, the rewards are well worth it.
Planning how to use your time wisely takes time. Everything else takes longer.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
How to make the most of your opportunities.
Post 451 - If we’re casual about what we do, we risk ending up a casualty. Many people spend so much time talking, grieving and being angry about the closed doors in their lives, they don’t see the open doors. Les Brown, a human-potential expert, says our trials and disappointments can take us to a door of discovery and greatness if we follow these suggestions:
- Be Thankful.
There's no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have. It’s easy to think about what’s missing and to ignore what you have. When you develop an attitude of gratitude, you begin to view things from a positive light and start working toward making something constructive happen. Giving up should never be an option.
- Be Thoughtful.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. As you look at yourself, you have to harness your will, you have to be grounded, you have to pause and look inside. You have to clear your head and give yourself permission to accept the reality that’s happening. And then turn the page and start working toward where you’ll go from there.
- Be Active.
Keep moving. Start with small steps and build from there. When you’re not active and you’re not engaged with life, you’ve a tendency to worry and regret and to entertain other less-than-positive emotions. It’s very important that you start moving and working and doing things that can help you make some headway. The more active you are, the less chance you have of getting depressed, angry and immobilized by fear.
- Be Connected.
Often, people fail because they can’t see the picture when they’re in the frame. They think there’s no way out. These people are disconnected and feel isolated and desperate. But interacting with others provides a number of benefits, including helping to find new paths and new ideas to explore.
- Be Patient.
Don’t expect instant results. Plug away carefully and consistently, and keep believing that things are going to get better even though you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re living in a microwave society where we expect instant results. But the real world doesn’t always work like that. Patience and a spirit of expectation and trust will help you work to reach your goals and dreams.
Mario Andretti reminds us that, “Circumstances may cause interruptions and delays, but never lose sight of your goal. Prepare yourself in every way you can by increasing your knowledge and adding to your experience, so that you can make the most of opportunity when it occurs.”
According to Eric Chester, the seven As - the core values that lead to success at work, are:
* Attitude – stay pumped, positive and enthusiastic, even when you have to do the crummy jobs.
* Attendance – You can’t succeed if you don’t show up. Be there, and be on time.
* Appearance – Your image is important to you. Your company’s image is important to its owners. So look and act like a professional when you’re on company time.
* Ambition – Learn all you can and do the absolute best that you can in everything you do. Be a relentless learner and a determined achiever.
* Accountability – There’s no right way to do a wrong thing. Never let anyone or anything sway you from doing the right thing.
* Acceptance – You don’t always get to pick the people you work with or work for. Whoever they are, accept them as your teammates.
* Appreciation – It’s the customers that ultimately sign your paycheck. Be grateful and give them your absolute best.
The real opportunity for success lies in the person and not in the job.
- Be Thankful.
There's no better opportunity to receive more than to be thankful for what you already have. It’s easy to think about what’s missing and to ignore what you have. When you develop an attitude of gratitude, you begin to view things from a positive light and start working toward making something constructive happen. Giving up should never be an option.
- Be Thoughtful.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. As you look at yourself, you have to harness your will, you have to be grounded, you have to pause and look inside. You have to clear your head and give yourself permission to accept the reality that’s happening. And then turn the page and start working toward where you’ll go from there.
- Be Active.
Keep moving. Start with small steps and build from there. When you’re not active and you’re not engaged with life, you’ve a tendency to worry and regret and to entertain other less-than-positive emotions. It’s very important that you start moving and working and doing things that can help you make some headway. The more active you are, the less chance you have of getting depressed, angry and immobilized by fear.
- Be Connected.
Often, people fail because they can’t see the picture when they’re in the frame. They think there’s no way out. These people are disconnected and feel isolated and desperate. But interacting with others provides a number of benefits, including helping to find new paths and new ideas to explore.
- Be Patient.
Don’t expect instant results. Plug away carefully and consistently, and keep believing that things are going to get better even though you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re living in a microwave society where we expect instant results. But the real world doesn’t always work like that. Patience and a spirit of expectation and trust will help you work to reach your goals and dreams.
Mario Andretti reminds us that, “Circumstances may cause interruptions and delays, but never lose sight of your goal. Prepare yourself in every way you can by increasing your knowledge and adding to your experience, so that you can make the most of opportunity when it occurs.”
According to Eric Chester, the seven As - the core values that lead to success at work, are:
* Attitude – stay pumped, positive and enthusiastic, even when you have to do the crummy jobs.
* Attendance – You can’t succeed if you don’t show up. Be there, and be on time.
* Appearance – Your image is important to you. Your company’s image is important to its owners. So look and act like a professional when you’re on company time.
* Ambition – Learn all you can and do the absolute best that you can in everything you do. Be a relentless learner and a determined achiever.
* Accountability – There’s no right way to do a wrong thing. Never let anyone or anything sway you from doing the right thing.
* Acceptance – You don’t always get to pick the people you work with or work for. Whoever they are, accept them as your teammates.
* Appreciation – It’s the customers that ultimately sign your paycheck. Be grateful and give them your absolute best.
The real opportunity for success lies in the person and not in the job.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Twelve ways to deal with a hangover.
Post 447 - "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I'll grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel doesn't go nearly as well with pizza," according to Dave Barry. Somehow, hangover cures seems an appropriate topic for the day after Saint Patrick's Day. Here are twelve proven ideas to remedy this condition:
1. Rest is your best friend to give your body time to recover. In order to stay in bed and sleep, call the office and tell them you have the stomach flu. You'll probably sound so bad on the phone they'll believe you (unless they saw you at the bar last night). If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
2. Replenish your body with fruit juice and water.
3. Avoid caffeine. A weak cup of coffee may be OK but a lot of caffeine will continue to dehydrate you, the opposite of what you want right now.
4. Drink lots of orange juice for Vitamin C.
5. Drink a sports drink like Gatorade.
6. Eat mineral rich foods like pickles or canned fish. In Poland, drinking pickle juice is a common remedy.
7. Drink a Bloody Mary. While partaking of the “hair of the dog that bit you” may sound logical, it’s only a temporary remedy at best. Try a Bloody Mary instead. While your blood is dealing with the new alcohol, it's ignoring the old and the tomato juice and celery are full of vitamins.
8. Take a shower, alternating between cold and hot water.
9. Try Alka Seltzer Morning Relief.
10. Drink a lot of water and get some exercise - any sort of physical activity will do. It takes willpower to move around when just standing still seems like a challenge, but friends tell me it works.
11. The side effects of aspirin, Tylenol and ibuprofen can be magnified with alcohol in your system. Aspirin's a blood thinner, just like alcohol, and Tylenol can cause more damage to your liver. Ibuprofen can cause stomach bleeding, so be cautious when reaching for the quick relief.
12. Take a little extra multi B vitamin and drink a lot of water before going to sleep.
When I was growing up in Ireland, I was told that one cure for a hangover was to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand. I can't say I ever tried it however.
Are there any other suggestions out there? I'd love to hear them.....
1. Rest is your best friend to give your body time to recover. In order to stay in bed and sleep, call the office and tell them you have the stomach flu. You'll probably sound so bad on the phone they'll believe you (unless they saw you at the bar last night). If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
2. Replenish your body with fruit juice and water.
3. Avoid caffeine. A weak cup of coffee may be OK but a lot of caffeine will continue to dehydrate you, the opposite of what you want right now.
4. Drink lots of orange juice for Vitamin C.
5. Drink a sports drink like Gatorade.
6. Eat mineral rich foods like pickles or canned fish. In Poland, drinking pickle juice is a common remedy.
7. Drink a Bloody Mary. While partaking of the “hair of the dog that bit you” may sound logical, it’s only a temporary remedy at best. Try a Bloody Mary instead. While your blood is dealing with the new alcohol, it's ignoring the old and the tomato juice and celery are full of vitamins.
8. Take a shower, alternating between cold and hot water.
9. Try Alka Seltzer Morning Relief.
10. Drink a lot of water and get some exercise - any sort of physical activity will do. It takes willpower to move around when just standing still seems like a challenge, but friends tell me it works.
11. The side effects of aspirin, Tylenol and ibuprofen can be magnified with alcohol in your system. Aspirin's a blood thinner, just like alcohol, and Tylenol can cause more damage to your liver. Ibuprofen can cause stomach bleeding, so be cautious when reaching for the quick relief.
12. Take a little extra multi B vitamin and drink a lot of water before going to sleep.
When I was growing up in Ireland, I was told that one cure for a hangover was to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand. I can't say I ever tried it however.
Are there any other suggestions out there? I'd love to hear them.....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Learning how to meditate.
Post 445 - Meditation is a holistic discipline by which the practitioner tries to get beyond the reflexive "thinking" mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness. Different meditative disciplines encompass a wide range of spiritual goals — from achievement of a higher state of consciousness, to greater focus, creativity or self-awareness, or simply a more relaxed and peaceful frame of mind. Henepola Gunaratana is a Sri Lankan Buddhist monk who came to study in the US in 1968 and has since earned bachelor's, master's and doctorate degrees in philosophy at American University. Writing in Mindfulness in Plain English, he provides the following insights about how to meditate. He says when you meditate, what you’re looking at is you, and what you see depends on how you look. Therefore the process of meditating is extremely delicate, and the result depends absolutely on the state of mind of the meditator. He suggests the following attitudes as essential for success.
1. Don't expect anything. Just sit back and see what happens. Treat the whole thing as an experiment and don't get distracted by your expectations about results. And don't be anxious for achieving any particular result. Let the meditation move along at its own speed and in its own direction. Let it teach you what it wants you to learn. Awareness through meditation seeks to see reality exactly as it is and this requires a temporary suspension of all our preconceptions and ideas. So store your images, opinions and interpretations someplace out of the way for the time being. Otherwise you'll surely stumble over them.
2. Don't strain. Don't force anything or make exaggerated efforts. Meditation isn't aggressive. There's no violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady.
3. Don't rush. There's no hurry, so take your time. Settle yourself in comfortably as though you have a whole day. Anything really valuable takes time to develop. Patience, patience, patience.
4. Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come whatever comes and accommodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images come, that's fine. If bad mental images come, that's fine too. Look on all of it as an equal experience and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight that which you experience, just observe it all mindfully.
5. Let go and learn to flow with what comes up. Loosen up and relax.
6. Accept everything that comes up. Accept your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate. Don't condemn yourself for having human flaws and failings. Learn to see all the phenomena in the mind as being perfectly natural and understandable. Try to exercise a disinterested acceptance at all times and about everything you experience.
7. Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you're all you've got to work with. The process of becoming who you will be begins first with the total acceptance of who you are.
8. Question everything. Take nothing for granted. Don't believe anything because it sounds wise and pious and because someone said it. See for yourself. That doesn’t mean that you should be cynical or irreverent. It means that you should be empirical. Subject all statements to the actual test of your experience and let the results be your guide to truth. Insight in meditation evolves out of an inner longing to wake up to what's real and to gain liberating insight to the true structure of existence. The entire practice hinges on this desire to be awake to the truth.
9. View all problems as challenges. Look on negatives that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow. Don't run from them, condemn yourself or bear your burden in saintly silence. You have a problem? Great. More grist for the mill. Rejoice, dive in and investigate.
10. You don't need to figure everything out. In mediation, the mind is purified naturally by mindfulness, by wordless attention. Habitual deliberation isn't necessary to eliminate those things that are holding you back. All that's necessary is a clear, non-conceptual perception of what they are and how they work. That alone is sufficient to dissolve them. Concepts and reasoning just get in the way. Don't think. See.
11. Don't dwell on contrasts. Certainly, differences exist between people, but dwelling on then is a dangerous process and can lead directly to egotism. Ordinary human thinking is full of greed, jealousy and pride. A man seeing another man on the street may immediately think, "He's better looking than I am." The instant result is envy or shame. A woman seeing another woman may think, "I'm prettier than she is." The instant result is pride. This sort of comparison is a mental habit that leads directly to ill-feeling of one kind or another - greed, envy, pride, jealousy, hatred. It's an unskillful mental state, but we do it all the time. We compare our looks with others, our success, our accomplishments, our wealth, our possessions, or our I.Q. and all these lead to the same place - alienation, barriers between people, and bad feeling.
1. Don't expect anything. Just sit back and see what happens. Treat the whole thing as an experiment and don't get distracted by your expectations about results. And don't be anxious for achieving any particular result. Let the meditation move along at its own speed and in its own direction. Let it teach you what it wants you to learn. Awareness through meditation seeks to see reality exactly as it is and this requires a temporary suspension of all our preconceptions and ideas. So store your images, opinions and interpretations someplace out of the way for the time being. Otherwise you'll surely stumble over them.
2. Don't strain. Don't force anything or make exaggerated efforts. Meditation isn't aggressive. There's no violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady.
3. Don't rush. There's no hurry, so take your time. Settle yourself in comfortably as though you have a whole day. Anything really valuable takes time to develop. Patience, patience, patience.
4. Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come whatever comes and accommodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images come, that's fine. If bad mental images come, that's fine too. Look on all of it as an equal experience and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight that which you experience, just observe it all mindfully.
5. Let go and learn to flow with what comes up. Loosen up and relax.
6. Accept everything that comes up. Accept your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate. Don't condemn yourself for having human flaws and failings. Learn to see all the phenomena in the mind as being perfectly natural and understandable. Try to exercise a disinterested acceptance at all times and about everything you experience.
7. Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you're all you've got to work with. The process of becoming who you will be begins first with the total acceptance of who you are.
8. Question everything. Take nothing for granted. Don't believe anything because it sounds wise and pious and because someone said it. See for yourself. That doesn’t mean that you should be cynical or irreverent. It means that you should be empirical. Subject all statements to the actual test of your experience and let the results be your guide to truth. Insight in meditation evolves out of an inner longing to wake up to what's real and to gain liberating insight to the true structure of existence. The entire practice hinges on this desire to be awake to the truth.
9. View all problems as challenges. Look on negatives that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow. Don't run from them, condemn yourself or bear your burden in saintly silence. You have a problem? Great. More grist for the mill. Rejoice, dive in and investigate.
10. You don't need to figure everything out. In mediation, the mind is purified naturally by mindfulness, by wordless attention. Habitual deliberation isn't necessary to eliminate those things that are holding you back. All that's necessary is a clear, non-conceptual perception of what they are and how they work. That alone is sufficient to dissolve them. Concepts and reasoning just get in the way. Don't think. See.
11. Don't dwell on contrasts. Certainly, differences exist between people, but dwelling on then is a dangerous process and can lead directly to egotism. Ordinary human thinking is full of greed, jealousy and pride. A man seeing another man on the street may immediately think, "He's better looking than I am." The instant result is envy or shame. A woman seeing another woman may think, "I'm prettier than she is." The instant result is pride. This sort of comparison is a mental habit that leads directly to ill-feeling of one kind or another - greed, envy, pride, jealousy, hatred. It's an unskillful mental state, but we do it all the time. We compare our looks with others, our success, our accomplishments, our wealth, our possessions, or our I.Q. and all these lead to the same place - alienation, barriers between people, and bad feeling.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thoughts about a happy marriage.
Post 433 - “When you’re in love, you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams,” according to Dr. Seuss. Yet, it can be very hard to stay awake and alert, focusing on the big picture, when you’re in a long-term relationship. Barbara and I have been happily married for 40-years come next Sunday, so this is a topic where I have some direct experience. Hopefully, those of you who are currently married, or are considering getting married, will find the following observations helpful:
* First and foremost, keep the doors of communication open. Always take the time to talk to each other about what’s going on in your separate lives, your life together, finances, family, everything that’s important. There are no secrets or out-of-bound areas in a good marriage. Once people stop communicating, their marriage begins to break down. When they’re no longer communicating, one or both spouses seek out other people to communicate with. This is how affairs often get started - because people are lonely and need someone to talk to. Never ever give your spouse a reason to feel lonely.
* Spend time together. Schedule a "date night" at least once a week. Make it a special time that you spend together where you can enjoy each other's company exclusively. Get a baby-sitter. Shut off the cell phones and actually spend time alone together.
* Make time for the physical side of your relationship. Don’t make excuses that you’re too tired, or stressed or whatever. There’s really no excuse for not being intimate with your spouse. This is one of the main cornerstones to any marriage. Once you lose this intimacy, your marriage is sure to follow.
* Never criticize your spouse or make them look bad in the company of other people. Remarks like this, however harmless they may seem, have a way of becoming a habit. This often starts off as a joke, but the next thing you know, it becomes nasty and bitter. Always look for kind things to say about each other.
* Blame is never good. If your partner's at fault for whatever reason, they probably already know this and could do without you pointing it out to them. This isn’t a good thing for their self-esteem, or for your relationship.
* Make sure to tell your partner every day how much you love and care for them, and how thankful you are to be together. Surprise them with an unexpected romantic gesture at least once a week - a rose or favorite chocolates or wine or a love note you made just for them – you get the idea.
* When problems arise in your relationship, sit down together and think it through. Make notes of what you think is wrong and why, and you’ll usually be able to see where the problems are coming from, which connections have broken down. And once you can see the problems, you can usually figure out how to go about fixing them.
* If you consciously decide from the beginning that your relationship will be successful and that you’ll never get divorced, no matter what, you’re much more likely to work at making your marriage work. Marriage is an ongoing process, not a finished product, and all marriages need hard work in order to stay healthy.
* We all need dreams and goals to aspire to, otherwise life can be pretty mundane. If you and your partner can continually set goals together, then you both have something to aim for. This creates a stronger bond between you and gets you working towards a common goal.
* And lastly, don’t forget the words of the poet Natasha Josefowitz, who recently observed, “A woman marries a man thinking he’ll change. He doesn’t. A man marries a woman thinking she won’t change – and she does.”
* First and foremost, keep the doors of communication open. Always take the time to talk to each other about what’s going on in your separate lives, your life together, finances, family, everything that’s important. There are no secrets or out-of-bound areas in a good marriage. Once people stop communicating, their marriage begins to break down. When they’re no longer communicating, one or both spouses seek out other people to communicate with. This is how affairs often get started - because people are lonely and need someone to talk to. Never ever give your spouse a reason to feel lonely.
* Spend time together. Schedule a "date night" at least once a week. Make it a special time that you spend together where you can enjoy each other's company exclusively. Get a baby-sitter. Shut off the cell phones and actually spend time alone together.
* Make time for the physical side of your relationship. Don’t make excuses that you’re too tired, or stressed or whatever. There’s really no excuse for not being intimate with your spouse. This is one of the main cornerstones to any marriage. Once you lose this intimacy, your marriage is sure to follow.
* Never criticize your spouse or make them look bad in the company of other people. Remarks like this, however harmless they may seem, have a way of becoming a habit. This often starts off as a joke, but the next thing you know, it becomes nasty and bitter. Always look for kind things to say about each other.
* Blame is never good. If your partner's at fault for whatever reason, they probably already know this and could do without you pointing it out to them. This isn’t a good thing for their self-esteem, or for your relationship.
* Make sure to tell your partner every day how much you love and care for them, and how thankful you are to be together. Surprise them with an unexpected romantic gesture at least once a week - a rose or favorite chocolates or wine or a love note you made just for them – you get the idea.
* When problems arise in your relationship, sit down together and think it through. Make notes of what you think is wrong and why, and you’ll usually be able to see where the problems are coming from, which connections have broken down. And once you can see the problems, you can usually figure out how to go about fixing them.
* If you consciously decide from the beginning that your relationship will be successful and that you’ll never get divorced, no matter what, you’re much more likely to work at making your marriage work. Marriage is an ongoing process, not a finished product, and all marriages need hard work in order to stay healthy.
* We all need dreams and goals to aspire to, otherwise life can be pretty mundane. If you and your partner can continually set goals together, then you both have something to aim for. This creates a stronger bond between you and gets you working towards a common goal.
* And lastly, don’t forget the words of the poet Natasha Josefowitz, who recently observed, “A woman marries a man thinking he’ll change. He doesn’t. A man marries a woman thinking she won’t change – and she does.”
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The causes of happiness.
Post 430 - I read in today’s paper that a Columbia University study spent ten-years rating the health impact of happiness on more that 1,700 people. The researchers concluded that happy people are more likely to have less heart disease than grumpy people. So this suggested consulting wikiHow to find some of the causes happiness, which is the subject of today’s post.
In the 1970s, researchers following people who'd won the lottery found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They concluded that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level. Some people have a higher baseline happiness level than others, in part because of genetics. However, it's also largely influenced by how we think. So improving our attitude towards life will increase our happiness permanently. Here are some starting points for doing just that:
• Follow your instincts.
In another study, two groups of people were asked to pick out a poster to take home. One group was instructed to analyze their decision carefully, weighing the pros and cons. The other group was told to listen to their gut. Two weeks later, the group that followed their gut was happier with their posters than the group that analyzed their decisions. Obviously, many of our decisions are more important than picking out posters. However, these findings suggest that the next time you have a decision to make and you've narrowed down the options, you’ll be happier if you follow your instincts and go with the one that feels right to you.
• Make enough money.
If you make enough money to meet your basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing (on average, about $40,000 a year), research shows that any amount you make beyond that will have little effect on your happiness. Your comfort may increase with more money, but comfort makes people bored rather than happy. That's why it's important to push beyond your comfort zone to encourage your personal growth. “Happiness and misery depend not upon how high up or low down you are - they depend not upon these, but on the direction in which you are tending.” according to the Victorian novelist, Samuel Butler. For the lottery winners mentioned earlier, lots of money didn't make them any happier. Once you’ve got enough money, your happiness isn’t significantly affected by more money, but rather by your level of optimism.
• Stay close to friends and family.
Today, people follow jobs around the world looking for increases in salary to make them happier. But relationships with friends and family have a far greater impact on our happiness than our jobs do. So the next time you think about relocating, consider how much more money it’ll take to compensate for the loss of happiness from moving away from your friends and family. If, however, your relationships with your family and friends are unhealthy or nonexistent, then choose a location where you'll make about the same amount of money as everyone else. Research findings suggests we feel more financially secure (and happier) when we're on similar financial footing as the people around us, regardless of what that footing is.
• Find happiness in the job you have right now.
Many people expect that finding the right job or the right career will dramatically change their level of happiness. However, happiness research makes it clear that our level of optimism and the quality of our relationships eclipse the satisfaction we get from our jobs. People with a positive outlook will make the best of any job, and don't depend just on their job to give their life a sense of meaning. They find it instead in their interactions with the people they care about. The capacity of our jobs to make us happy is relatively small compared to our outlook on life and our relationships with other people.
Some other tips?
* Smile. When you smile, whether you feel happy or not, your mood will be elevated.
* Don't hold grudges against anyone. Forgive, even if you can't forget.
* Don't stew over past mistakes. Learn from them and then move on.
* Don't get hung-up on material things. As Aeschylus reminded us thousands of years ago, "Life is a brief encampment."
The key thing to remember is that we’re in control of how we see the world and it's a mistake to depend on external factors or other people to make us happy. If you’re unhappy, it's your job to change how you view the situation. If you’re unhappy at work, don't blame the boss or your coworkers. Instead, change your outlook ... or move on!
In the 1970s, researchers following people who'd won the lottery found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They concluded that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level. Some people have a higher baseline happiness level than others, in part because of genetics. However, it's also largely influenced by how we think. So improving our attitude towards life will increase our happiness permanently. Here are some starting points for doing just that:
• Follow your instincts.
In another study, two groups of people were asked to pick out a poster to take home. One group was instructed to analyze their decision carefully, weighing the pros and cons. The other group was told to listen to their gut. Two weeks later, the group that followed their gut was happier with their posters than the group that analyzed their decisions. Obviously, many of our decisions are more important than picking out posters. However, these findings suggest that the next time you have a decision to make and you've narrowed down the options, you’ll be happier if you follow your instincts and go with the one that feels right to you.
• Make enough money.
If you make enough money to meet your basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing (on average, about $40,000 a year), research shows that any amount you make beyond that will have little effect on your happiness. Your comfort may increase with more money, but comfort makes people bored rather than happy. That's why it's important to push beyond your comfort zone to encourage your personal growth. “Happiness and misery depend not upon how high up or low down you are - they depend not upon these, but on the direction in which you are tending.” according to the Victorian novelist, Samuel Butler. For the lottery winners mentioned earlier, lots of money didn't make them any happier. Once you’ve got enough money, your happiness isn’t significantly affected by more money, but rather by your level of optimism.
• Stay close to friends and family.
Today, people follow jobs around the world looking for increases in salary to make them happier. But relationships with friends and family have a far greater impact on our happiness than our jobs do. So the next time you think about relocating, consider how much more money it’ll take to compensate for the loss of happiness from moving away from your friends and family. If, however, your relationships with your family and friends are unhealthy or nonexistent, then choose a location where you'll make about the same amount of money as everyone else. Research findings suggests we feel more financially secure (and happier) when we're on similar financial footing as the people around us, regardless of what that footing is.
• Find happiness in the job you have right now.
Many people expect that finding the right job or the right career will dramatically change their level of happiness. However, happiness research makes it clear that our level of optimism and the quality of our relationships eclipse the satisfaction we get from our jobs. People with a positive outlook will make the best of any job, and don't depend just on their job to give their life a sense of meaning. They find it instead in their interactions with the people they care about. The capacity of our jobs to make us happy is relatively small compared to our outlook on life and our relationships with other people.
Some other tips?
* Smile. When you smile, whether you feel happy or not, your mood will be elevated.
* Don't hold grudges against anyone. Forgive, even if you can't forget.
* Don't stew over past mistakes. Learn from them and then move on.
* Don't get hung-up on material things. As Aeschylus reminded us thousands of years ago, "Life is a brief encampment."
The key thing to remember is that we’re in control of how we see the world and it's a mistake to depend on external factors or other people to make us happy. If you’re unhappy, it's your job to change how you view the situation. If you’re unhappy at work, don't blame the boss or your coworkers. Instead, change your outlook ... or move on!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Rules of Life according to Bill Gates.
Post 429 - Here are the rules of life, as explained by Bill Gates some years ago in a presentation to high school students:
Rule 1: Life isn’t fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Seems like a good list to me. However, on another occasion, Mr. Gates said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” Since Microsoft is one of the most litigious companies in history, perhaps we should take Mr. Gates’s counsel in that instance with a grain of salt!
Rule 1: Life isn’t fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Seems like a good list to me. However, on another occasion, Mr. Gates said, “Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” Since Microsoft is one of the most litigious companies in history, perhaps we should take Mr. Gates’s counsel in that instance with a grain of salt!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Building an ideal relationship.
Post 422 - The main difference between a good and an ideal relationship is that the latter equips us for life, and allows us to be a better person in the world. Sometimes we choose partners who make us feel good only when we’re together. If this kind of wonderful intensity is the only thing present, it doesn’t continue to make us feel more and more alive in the longer term. Eventually, the relationship turns in on itself rather than developing into a partnership which illuminates the world anew.
Why do we fall in love with one person and not with another? I believe there are three basic ingredients for romantic attraction: intellectual, emotional and sexual, and all of these need to be strong enough if we’re to make a good connection and build a lasting relationship. However, what makes a relationship good isn’t necessarily what we feel towards each other, but what we create of each other.
An ideal relationship makes our life larger, not smaller. When both parties grow and experience things they wouldn't have known about or sought out without the other person's influence, then the relationship contributes positively to each individual’s journey through life.
An ideal relationship isn’t without arguments (arguments probably allow both parties to evolve faster than any other type of interaction).
We don't worry when we’re not together and we have the most enjoyment when we are together.
There’s no place in our relationship for questions about perfection, love and fear.
There’s no fear of acceptance of our flaws and drawbacks.
We feel like we were born to be with the other person, yet we wonder why it took so long to find them.
We don't have to ask for anything - it just comes.
We don't have to make an effort to give - it just goes.
We’re friends as well as lovers. As we get older, we find that friendship is more enduring than passion.
We can grow together because we feel free together. As Leo Buscaglia wrote, "A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
If all the compromises we make in a relationship (such as giving pleasure to our partner as opposed to receiving pleasure) aren’t often reciprocated or we constantly feel we’re getting short-changed and resent our partner for that, then it’s a good time to change the relationship in some way (e.g. confront our partner with our discontent and seek something better) or to find another relationship.
The corollary is that if we ever feel we’ve given as much as we wish or can, and yet that’s insufficient to sustain the relationship, then it's probably time to move on.
The ideal relationship brings the best out of us, not as a requirement, but rather as an effect. We have this ultimate connection with another person, which is also a channel for the exchange of energy. In an ideal relationship, passion generates lots of positive energy. However, even when we’re challenged by the other party, this negative energy can be positively channeled too. Although it may cause discomfort initially, it helps us to overcome inertia so we can grow and change in a positive way.
There really isn't an ideal relationship that fits everyone; its how you deal with the imperfections of the relationship that makes it ideal.
Why do we fall in love with one person and not with another? I believe there are three basic ingredients for romantic attraction: intellectual, emotional and sexual, and all of these need to be strong enough if we’re to make a good connection and build a lasting relationship. However, what makes a relationship good isn’t necessarily what we feel towards each other, but what we create of each other.
An ideal relationship makes our life larger, not smaller. When both parties grow and experience things they wouldn't have known about or sought out without the other person's influence, then the relationship contributes positively to each individual’s journey through life.
An ideal relationship isn’t without arguments (arguments probably allow both parties to evolve faster than any other type of interaction).
We don't worry when we’re not together and we have the most enjoyment when we are together.
There’s no place in our relationship for questions about perfection, love and fear.
There’s no fear of acceptance of our flaws and drawbacks.
We feel like we were born to be with the other person, yet we wonder why it took so long to find them.
We don't have to ask for anything - it just comes.
We don't have to make an effort to give - it just goes.
We’re friends as well as lovers. As we get older, we find that friendship is more enduring than passion.
We can grow together because we feel free together. As Leo Buscaglia wrote, "A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
If all the compromises we make in a relationship (such as giving pleasure to our partner as opposed to receiving pleasure) aren’t often reciprocated or we constantly feel we’re getting short-changed and resent our partner for that, then it’s a good time to change the relationship in some way (e.g. confront our partner with our discontent and seek something better) or to find another relationship.
The corollary is that if we ever feel we’ve given as much as we wish or can, and yet that’s insufficient to sustain the relationship, then it's probably time to move on.
The ideal relationship brings the best out of us, not as a requirement, but rather as an effect. We have this ultimate connection with another person, which is also a channel for the exchange of energy. In an ideal relationship, passion generates lots of positive energy. However, even when we’re challenged by the other party, this negative energy can be positively channeled too. Although it may cause discomfort initially, it helps us to overcome inertia so we can grow and change in a positive way.
There really isn't an ideal relationship that fits everyone; its how you deal with the imperfections of the relationship that makes it ideal.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
How to sustain a fulfilling relationship.
Post 421 - These ideas are taken from “A Journal for all Relationships,” a new book by Vince and Sally Huntington, to be published later this year. The Huntingtons are psychotherapists and are licensed as Marriage and Family Therapists. Together, they hosted a radio show in San Diego for 10-years where they were able to empirically test and formally research their observations on what defines a fulfilling relationship.
They found that true love, once found, continues only with the exchange of promises to: “please meet my needs by helping me have good feelings and help me not to have bad feelings.” As long as this exchange continues, they say, the feelings of love will continue.
However, relationships are complicated by our shifting needs for togetherness on the one hand, and autonomy on the other. Running from or trying to avoid one extreme or the other can be confusing to sort out. A major challenge is to be able to openly tell your partner when either loneliness or feeling smothered begins to rule your life. They say people don’t ‘fall out of love.’ They simply misidentify the natural shifts which take place between one extreme or the other of this wonder of human existence. So it’s vital to learn the shifts of that person who brought you the love you share.
They’ve also identified six critical areas which need to be well understood and consciously catered to for loving relationships to continue to be fulfilling. These relationships cease to be nourishing when:
(1) Basic trust is taken for granted but never actually defined.
(2) Communication fails (she/he just doesn’t hear you) and anger begins to rule.
(3) Family presence obstructs the life style of the relationship (parent pressures, ill child, siblings, step-parenting, etc.).
(4) Money styles clash (savers versus spenders).
(5) Sex and affection are misunderstood, are out of sync, or out of control.
(6) Couples forget that they’re individuals and unconsciously or unwillingly lose their individuality in the marriage.
They suggest a key question for each party in the relationship is to ask themselves: "Can I be in a relationship with this person without losing who I am?" If the answer is no, then it's time to move on.
They found that true love, once found, continues only with the exchange of promises to: “please meet my needs by helping me have good feelings and help me not to have bad feelings.” As long as this exchange continues, they say, the feelings of love will continue.
However, relationships are complicated by our shifting needs for togetherness on the one hand, and autonomy on the other. Running from or trying to avoid one extreme or the other can be confusing to sort out. A major challenge is to be able to openly tell your partner when either loneliness or feeling smothered begins to rule your life. They say people don’t ‘fall out of love.’ They simply misidentify the natural shifts which take place between one extreme or the other of this wonder of human existence. So it’s vital to learn the shifts of that person who brought you the love you share.
They’ve also identified six critical areas which need to be well understood and consciously catered to for loving relationships to continue to be fulfilling. These relationships cease to be nourishing when:
(1) Basic trust is taken for granted but never actually defined.
(2) Communication fails (she/he just doesn’t hear you) and anger begins to rule.
(3) Family presence obstructs the life style of the relationship (parent pressures, ill child, siblings, step-parenting, etc.).
(4) Money styles clash (savers versus spenders).
(5) Sex and affection are misunderstood, are out of sync, or out of control.
(6) Couples forget that they’re individuals and unconsciously or unwillingly lose their individuality in the marriage.
They suggest a key question for each party in the relationship is to ask themselves: "Can I be in a relationship with this person without losing who I am?" If the answer is no, then it's time to move on.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Post 417 - Summary of Dale Carnegie's classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People. If you haven't read it recently, I recommend you do so.
Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People.
1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3: Arouse "an eager want" in the other person.
Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You
1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
2: Smile.
3: Remember that a person's name is to them the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4: Be a good listener. Encourage the other person to talk about themselves.
5: Talk about the other person's interests.
6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking.
1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3: If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4: Begin in a friendly way.
5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10: Appeal to their nobler motives.
11: Dramatize your ideas.
12: Throw down a challenge.
Part Four: Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.
1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5: Let the other person save face.
6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9: Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.
Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People.
1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3: Arouse "an eager want" in the other person.
Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You
1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
2: Smile.
3: Remember that a person's name is to them the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4: Be a good listener. Encourage the other person to talk about themselves.
5: Talk about the other person's interests.
6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking.
1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3: If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4: Begin in a friendly way.
5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10: Appeal to their nobler motives.
11: Dramatize your ideas.
12: Throw down a challenge.
Part Four: Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.
1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5: Let the other person save face.
6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9: Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.
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