Post 365 - Start by identifying the problem or the issue together with the preferred outcomes.
• In this initial stage, you say what you want and you listen to what the other person wants so everyone understands what's at stake. When you speak, use “I messages” and avoid the “blaming” messages. Also use active listening when paying attention to the other person’s point of view.
• The next brainstorming stage is to generate several possible solutions. Drawing on the things you both agree on and your shared goals and interests, look for several possible alternatives that might resolve the disagreement. Avoid evaluating and judging until it looks like no more ideas are forthcoming.
• Then evaluate each suggested solution and eliminate those that aren't acceptable to either party. Keep narrowing them down until you have just one or two that seem to best fit the situation. During this stage, both parties must be totally honest with each other and willing to say things like, "I wouldn’t be happy with that," or "I don’t think that would be fair for me."
• Now, select the alternative that's mutually acceptable to both of you. Make certain there's a mutual commitment to this decision.
• It's one thing to arrive at a decision, but it's another thing to carry it out. So it's important to talk about how it's going to be implemented, specifying who's responsible to do what and by when.
• Not all mutually agreed upon solutions turn out to be as good as initially expected. Arrange for the parties involved to routinely evaluate how the solution is working and how they feel about it. Something unexpected may have occurred or something may have been overlooked or misjudged. From the beginning, help both parties understand that decisions are always open for revision, but modifications have to be mutually agreed on in the same manner as the initial decision.
Here are some common mistakes:
- Not discussing with the other person the method used to resolve the conflicts.
- Discovering too late that more information was needed.
- Being too focused on getting your own way, or making extreme demands, and therefore not being flexible enough to be fair with others.
- Forgetting that there are usually several ways to do something. Your own reality isn’t the only reality. You’ll be much more effective if you’re willing to see the other person’s point of view.
- Focusing too much on what you could lose and not enough on what you both could gain.
- Believing the other person must lose for you to win.
- Bringing up additional issues before resolving the one that got you started.
If you both stay true to each other and true to yourselves, working together to resolve your disagreements will help you maintain a healthy relationship.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Managing conflict for healthy relationships.
Post 364 - "We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out," according to Winston Churchill. This is especially true in situations of disagreement. And there’s no such thing as a relationship without conflict. It's just a normal part of life and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict may be less healthy than one with frequent conflict.
Conflicts don't age gracefully. They can weaken or strengthen a relationship. They can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and separation. How the conflicts get resolved, not how often they occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.
We usually try to resolve conflicts by:
- Avoiding or denying the existence of the conflict.
- Giving in rather than struggling and working through the conflict.
- Getting mad and blaming the other party.
- Competing and winning, using power and influence to get our way.
- Appearing to compromise, but instead subtly manipulating events in an attempt to win.
However, some people learn to control their angry, competitive, I-give-up, self-serving feelings and to genuinely seek a solution that's fair and optimal for both parties. This is a healthy and integrative approach. Here are three types of healthy solutions:
- Win-win.
Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you don’t like the choice the other person favors, and they don’t like your choice, with a little more effort you might find another alternative that you both like and want.
- No lose.
When you can’t find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that’s at least acceptable to both parties, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything they wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
- Win-lose equally.
When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what they want and the other won't. You'll end up with a winner and a loser. If you’re fair with each other and generally half-the-time each gets their own way, it'll be easier for everyone when they don’t. The loser will trust that next time, or the time after that, they'll end up the winner.
All this is easy to understand intellectually, but not so easy to apply and use consistently. For a start, both parties must view their conflict as a problem they want to solve together. It isn’t about just getting the best deal for 'me,' it’s finding the best solution for 'us.' This requires a joint commitment to being actively involved together in finding a fair and acceptable solution.
If you disregard, minimize or invalidate the other person’s position, or if you must always get your way, you'll invariably damage the relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect will cause hurt and smoldering resentment.
If you use fear and power to win, the relationship usually ends up mortally wounded.
If you’re just a willing giver, constantly trying to keep the other person happy by satisfying their needs and avoiding conflict, you’ll also damage the relationship. You’ll inadvertently teach the other party to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate, and resentment will fester, thus poisoning the relationship.
Tomorrow I'll describe the stages and steps in healthy conflict resolution.
Conflicts don't age gracefully. They can weaken or strengthen a relationship. They can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect, or they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and separation. How the conflicts get resolved, not how often they occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflicts run all the way from minor unimportant differences to critical fights. There are conflicts of needs, wants, preferences, interests, opinions, beliefs and values.
We usually try to resolve conflicts by:
- Avoiding or denying the existence of the conflict.
- Giving in rather than struggling and working through the conflict.
- Getting mad and blaming the other party.
- Competing and winning, using power and influence to get our way.
- Appearing to compromise, but instead subtly manipulating events in an attempt to win.
However, some people learn to control their angry, competitive, I-give-up, self-serving feelings and to genuinely seek a solution that's fair and optimal for both parties. This is a healthy and integrative approach. Here are three types of healthy solutions:
- Win-win.
Most conflicts are in areas that have more than two alternatives. If you don’t like the choice the other person favors, and they don’t like your choice, with a little more effort you might find another alternative that you both like and want.
- No lose.
When you can’t find an alternative that you both want, look for an option that’s at least acceptable to both parties, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything they wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.
- Win-lose equally.
When the conflict is over an issue that has only two choices, one person will get what they want and the other won't. You'll end up with a winner and a loser. If you’re fair with each other and generally half-the-time each gets their own way, it'll be easier for everyone when they don’t. The loser will trust that next time, or the time after that, they'll end up the winner.
All this is easy to understand intellectually, but not so easy to apply and use consistently. For a start, both parties must view their conflict as a problem they want to solve together. It isn’t about just getting the best deal for 'me,' it’s finding the best solution for 'us.' This requires a joint commitment to being actively involved together in finding a fair and acceptable solution.
If you disregard, minimize or invalidate the other person’s position, or if you must always get your way, you'll invariably damage the relationship. Your lack of sensitivity, consideration and respect will cause hurt and smoldering resentment.
If you use fear and power to win, the relationship usually ends up mortally wounded.
If you’re just a willing giver, constantly trying to keep the other person happy by satisfying their needs and avoiding conflict, you’ll also damage the relationship. You’ll inadvertently teach the other party to be insensitive to your needs and self-serving at your expense. Your self-esteem and self-worth will deteriorate, and resentment will fester, thus poisoning the relationship.
Tomorrow I'll describe the stages and steps in healthy conflict resolution.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I Dream a World, a poem by Langston Hughes.
Post 363 - Born in Joplin, Missouri, in 1902, James Langston Hughes was the great-great-grandson of Charles Henry Langston who was the brother of John Mercer Langston, the first Black American to be elected to public office. He attended Central High School in Cleveland, and began writing poetry in the eighth grade. He entered Columbia University in the fall of 1921 but stayed in school there for only a year. He later received a scholarship to Lincoln University, in Pennsylvania, where he received his B.A. degree in 1929. In 1943, he was awarded an honorary Lit.D by his alma mater; a Guggenheim Fellowship followed in 1935 and a Rosenwald Fellowship in 1940.
His father discouraged him from pursuing writing as a career, in favour of something 'more practical.' However, Hughes turned out to be a prolific writer. In the forty-odd years between his first book and his death, he devoted his life to writing and lecturing. He wrote sixteen books of poems, two novels, three collections of short stories, four volumes of "editorial" and "documentary" fiction, twenty plays, children's poetry, musicals and operas, three autobiographies, a dozen radio and television scripts, and dozens of magazine articles. In addition, he edited seven anthologies.
Langston Hughes was, in his later years, deemed the "Poet Laureate of the Negro Race," a title he encouraged. He died of cancer in 1967. After he died, his residence at 20 East 127th Street in Harlem was given landmark status by the New York City Preservation Commission and his block of East 127th Street was renamed "Langston Hughes Place." He once said that, "When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul."
I Dream a World by Langton Hughes.
I dream a world where man
No other man will scorn,
Where love will bless the earth
And peace its paths adorn.
I dream a world where all
Will know sweet freedom's way,
Where greed no longer saps the soul
Nor avarice blights our day.
A world I dream where black or white,
Whatever race you be,
Will share the bounties of the earth
And every man is free,
Where wretchedness will hang its head
And joy, like a pearl,
Attends the needs of all mankind--
Of such I dream, my world!
His father discouraged him from pursuing writing as a career, in favour of something 'more practical.' However, Hughes turned out to be a prolific writer. In the forty-odd years between his first book and his death, he devoted his life to writing and lecturing. He wrote sixteen books of poems, two novels, three collections of short stories, four volumes of "editorial" and "documentary" fiction, twenty plays, children's poetry, musicals and operas, three autobiographies, a dozen radio and television scripts, and dozens of magazine articles. In addition, he edited seven anthologies.
Langston Hughes was, in his later years, deemed the "Poet Laureate of the Negro Race," a title he encouraged. He died of cancer in 1967. After he died, his residence at 20 East 127th Street in Harlem was given landmark status by the New York City Preservation Commission and his block of East 127th Street was renamed "Langston Hughes Place." He once said that, "When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul."
I Dream a World by Langton Hughes.
I dream a world where man
No other man will scorn,
Where love will bless the earth
And peace its paths adorn.
I dream a world where all
Will know sweet freedom's way,
Where greed no longer saps the soul
Nor avarice blights our day.
A world I dream where black or white,
Whatever race you be,
Will share the bounties of the earth
And every man is free,
Where wretchedness will hang its head
And joy, like a pearl,
Attends the needs of all mankind--
Of such I dream, my world!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
How to communicate your feelings.
Post 362 - Use “I Messages” to communicate with others when feelings are involved. They’re called I messages because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. When using I messages, you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing another person of making you feel a certain way.
There are four parts to an “I message” -
1. "When ..."
Describe the person’s behavior you’re reacting to in an objective, non-blaming and non-judgmental way.
2. "The effects are ..."
Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. Your reaction is the most important part for the other person to understand.
3. "I feel ..."
Say how the behavior makes you feel. This is important to prevent a buildup of feelings.
4. "I’d prefer ..."
Say what you want or what you'd prefer the other person do. (You can sometimes omit this part if it’s very obvious).
Here are some examples:
"When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you spend time on your personal affairs."
"It’s very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
Common mistakes are:
- Not expressing a feeling, but expressing a belief or judgment instead.
- Only expressing negative feelings.
- When your nonverbal body language contradicts the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Here are some guidelines to consider when expressing your feelings:
- Be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you’re feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (specify irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, hurt, lonely, etc.).
- Specify the degree of the feelings, and you’ll reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I’m angry," it means you’re extremely angry, when you actually mean you’re just a little irritated.
- When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from immediately becoming defensive or intimidated. When the first words they hear are, "I'm angry with you," they may miss the rest of the message.
- If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I’ve got mixed feelings about what you just did. I’m glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. I thought it was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating."
- Whenever you tell someone they’re wrong and you’re angry at the same time, you’ll probably make an enemy. Anytime negative emotion enters into a conversation, the conversation continues but communication stops.
- To get better information, ask “What,” not “Why” questions.
- “What” questions are fact oriented (“What was in your mind when you did that?”).
- “Why” questions trigger emotional responses. (“Why did you do that?”)
- Don't argue - listen instead. It’s physically impossible to say something wrong if you’re listening. And you may just learn something about the other person’s point of view. Then test and summarize – “Are you saying that this is what’s important to you?”
And last but not least, be careful of the words you use:
- Avoid the word “but.” Everything said before that word is window dressing and is ignored once you’ve said it.
- The word “try” (“I’ll try to get that done on time”) usually means it’s not going to happen. When someone says “try,” ask more questions. In many cases, they don’t know how to do what they’re being asked to do. They need help and they’re not planning to ask for it.
- Use people’s names when you talk with them. You get more attention from people when you address them by their name.
- Using variety when speaking. Talk fast and then talk more slowly.
- Avoid sarcasm, condescension and negativity. It’s easy for smart people to rip others to shreds in a clever, articulate and funny way. Such “put downs” are never helpful in building meaningful relationships.
There are four parts to an “I message” -
1. "When ..."
Describe the person’s behavior you’re reacting to in an objective, non-blaming and non-judgmental way.
2. "The effects are ..."
Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. Your reaction is the most important part for the other person to understand.
3. "I feel ..."
Say how the behavior makes you feel. This is important to prevent a buildup of feelings.
4. "I’d prefer ..."
Say what you want or what you'd prefer the other person do. (You can sometimes omit this part if it’s very obvious).
Here are some examples:
"When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you spend time on your personal affairs."
"It’s very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
Common mistakes are:
- Not expressing a feeling, but expressing a belief or judgment instead.
- Only expressing negative feelings.
- When your nonverbal body language contradicts the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Here are some guidelines to consider when expressing your feelings:
- Be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you’re feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (specify irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, hurt, lonely, etc.).
- Specify the degree of the feelings, and you’ll reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I’m angry," it means you’re extremely angry, when you actually mean you’re just a little irritated.
- When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from immediately becoming defensive or intimidated. When the first words they hear are, "I'm angry with you," they may miss the rest of the message.
- If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I’ve got mixed feelings about what you just did. I’m glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. I thought it was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating."
- Whenever you tell someone they’re wrong and you’re angry at the same time, you’ll probably make an enemy. Anytime negative emotion enters into a conversation, the conversation continues but communication stops.
- To get better information, ask “What,” not “Why” questions.
- “What” questions are fact oriented (“What was in your mind when you did that?”).
- “Why” questions trigger emotional responses. (“Why did you do that?”)
- Don't argue - listen instead. It’s physically impossible to say something wrong if you’re listening. And you may just learn something about the other person’s point of view. Then test and summarize – “Are you saying that this is what’s important to you?”
And last but not least, be careful of the words you use:
- Avoid the word “but.” Everything said before that word is window dressing and is ignored once you’ve said it.
- The word “try” (“I’ll try to get that done on time”) usually means it’s not going to happen. When someone says “try,” ask more questions. In many cases, they don’t know how to do what they’re being asked to do. They need help and they’re not planning to ask for it.
- Use people’s names when you talk with them. You get more attention from people when you address them by their name.
- Using variety when speaking. Talk fast and then talk more slowly.
- Avoid sarcasm, condescension and negativity. It’s easy for smart people to rip others to shreds in a clever, articulate and funny way. Such “put downs” are never helpful in building meaningful relationships.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
How to engage in active listening.
Post 361 – I’ve learned a lot about active listening from many years spent coaching senior executives. These are people who often have no one they can talk with openly about important personal and business decisions they need to deal with. Usually, they don't expect instant answers to their problems and challenges. Rather, they want me to listen with them to their thought processes and to search with them for flaws in their reasoning. You don't really know what you believe until you hear yourself saying it out loud.
It's very important that these executives experience that I'm really listening to them intently, with no judgment or distraction. This makes our time together quantifiably different from all of their other interactions. I’ve learned that you can actually 'listen' people into making decisions and engaging in actions that people would ignore if you just told them what you thought they should do. I’ve also found that:
- It helps people spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without judgment or criticism.
- Sometimes people just needs to be heard and acknowledged before they’re willing to consider an alternative or to soften their position.
- It’s often easier for someone to listen to and consider another position when they know the other party is listening to and is considering their own position.
- It helps identify areas of agreement so that areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are thus diminished rather than magnified.
- Reflecting back what we hear each other say gives each party a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on beneath the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
- If we accurately understand someone's point of view, we can be more effective in helping them see the flaws in their position. If we listen so we accurately understand another point of view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Here are some other listening tips:
- Usually it’s important to use your own words in paraphrasing your understanding of what you hear. Parroting back someone’s words verbatim is annoying and doesn’t convey an accurate understanding of the message.
- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words - look for the feelings or intent behind the words. The dictionary or surface meaning usually doesn’t convey the full message.
- Don’t follow your impulse and answer questions immediately they're asked. Sometimes when people ask questions, they really just want to express themselves and aren’t open to hearing an answer.
- Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
- Know when to stop using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it's time to respond with your own message.
- If you’re confused and think you don’t understand, tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to say it another way. Alternatively, use your best guess. If you’re wrong, the other party will usually try to correct your misunderstanding.
- Active listening is a very effective first response to someone who's angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in important relationships.
- Use eye contact and be aware of your body language. Avoid looking at your watch, or at other people, or at other activities going on nearby. Face the speaker, lean forward toward them and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms as this makes you appear closed or critical.
- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their point of view.
It's very important that these executives experience that I'm really listening to them intently, with no judgment or distraction. This makes our time together quantifiably different from all of their other interactions. I’ve learned that you can actually 'listen' people into making decisions and engaging in actions that people would ignore if you just told them what you thought they should do. I’ve also found that:
- It helps people spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without judgment or criticism.
- Sometimes people just needs to be heard and acknowledged before they’re willing to consider an alternative or to soften their position.
- It’s often easier for someone to listen to and consider another position when they know the other party is listening to and is considering their own position.
- It helps identify areas of agreement so that areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are thus diminished rather than magnified.
- Reflecting back what we hear each other say gives each party a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on beneath the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
- If we accurately understand someone's point of view, we can be more effective in helping them see the flaws in their position. If we listen so we accurately understand another point of view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Here are some other listening tips:
- Usually it’s important to use your own words in paraphrasing your understanding of what you hear. Parroting back someone’s words verbatim is annoying and doesn’t convey an accurate understanding of the message.
- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words - look for the feelings or intent behind the words. The dictionary or surface meaning usually doesn’t convey the full message.
- Don’t follow your impulse and answer questions immediately they're asked. Sometimes when people ask questions, they really just want to express themselves and aren’t open to hearing an answer.
- Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
- Know when to stop using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it's time to respond with your own message.
- If you’re confused and think you don’t understand, tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to say it another way. Alternatively, use your best guess. If you’re wrong, the other party will usually try to correct your misunderstanding.
- Active listening is a very effective first response to someone who's angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in important relationships.
- Use eye contact and be aware of your body language. Avoid looking at your watch, or at other people, or at other activities going on nearby. Face the speaker, lean forward toward them and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms as this makes you appear closed or critical.
- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their point of view.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
How to communicate more effectively.
Post 360 - To build or maintain a relationship requires that you communicate honestly and reveal yourself to someone else. People naturally hold back until they’re aware of the intentions of others. Recurring and stable reciprocity is the building block of trust. The more we trust someone, the more deeply we can communicate with them.
Recent studies suggest that over 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Attitude, spirit and body language are all factors in the communication process. Understandings or misunderstandings in verbal communication come through the interpretation of three things:
1. about 7% of our interpretation is based on the words used.
2. about 33% of our interpretation is based on the tones used.
3. about 60% of our interpretation is based on body language.
Tone is a more significant factor in communication than the words or body language used. A person can say “have a nice day,” but by their tone make it clear that they wish the opposite.
So, there’s a lot more to communicating than talking. Listening is also important. "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
• Here are some tips on effective listening:
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he or she wants something, feels discomfort, or has feelings or thoughts about something. When deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he or she believes will effectively deliver the message. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
• Sources of difficulty by the speaker:
- Voice too soft to be heard.
- Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
- Getting lost, forgetting the point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
• Sources of difficulty by the listener:
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you don't understand.
There are three basic listening modes:
1. Competitive or Combative Listening; We’re more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention, we're impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening, we’re genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We’re attentive and assume that we heard and understand correctly, but we don’t verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we’re genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, but we’re active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification.
Recent studies suggest that over 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Attitude, spirit and body language are all factors in the communication process. Understandings or misunderstandings in verbal communication come through the interpretation of three things:
1. about 7% of our interpretation is based on the words used.
2. about 33% of our interpretation is based on the tones used.
3. about 60% of our interpretation is based on body language.
Tone is a more significant factor in communication than the words or body language used. A person can say “have a nice day,” but by their tone make it clear that they wish the opposite.
So, there’s a lot more to communicating than talking. Listening is also important. "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
• Here are some tips on effective listening:
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he or she wants something, feels discomfort, or has feelings or thoughts about something. When deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he or she believes will effectively deliver the message. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
• Sources of difficulty by the speaker:
- Voice too soft to be heard.
- Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
- Getting lost, forgetting the point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
• Sources of difficulty by the listener:
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you don't understand.
There are three basic listening modes:
1. Competitive or Combative Listening; We’re more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention, we're impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening, we’re genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We’re attentive and assume that we heard and understand correctly, but we don’t verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we’re genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, but we’re active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How to create healthy relationships.
Post 359 - Last week's posts explored the connections between happiness, joy and love. All of these depend on having a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.
Each of us enters into these relationships with ideas and expectations about what we want based on a variety of factors, such as how we were raised, what we see in the media, how our friends behave, and our own previous experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause our relationships to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. Getting close to others, and sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants, affections, and excitements is a risky business and some of the common fears that can stop people from getting close to each other are:
• Fear of becoming known as we really are.
Opening ourselves up to others and their reactions isn't only difficult for us, but it puts a demand on others to do likewise.
• Fear of pain and dissapointment.
Hurt, pain, dissapointment, and loneliness aren't comfortable feelings, but they're human. Without the risk of experiencing them, we can never experience loving and being loved.
• Fear of losing our freedom.
Can you risk giving up some of your freedom to care about someone without them wanting to take it all away? How can you be both close to and separate from someone at the same time?
• Fear of being a taker as well as a giver.
It's difficult for many of us to be receivers. Yet if we don't, nobody else can experience the joy of giving to us.
• Fear of judgement.
People are reluctant to disclose themselves because they fear the moral judgement of their friends, family, colleagues, and even the law.
• Fear that showing love and affection isn't a proper thing to do.
This is especially true for men, but it's not restricted just to them. Some people are convinced that this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.
However, there are many rewards when we learn to communicate effectively with others and can risk sharing our own feelings while respecting theirs:
- We learn how to get close to other people. Getting close means we can need someone else and they can need us as well. When we feel discouraged or upset, someone is there to comfort and care about us, and we can do likewise.
- We learn to have faith in ourselves, to have faith in others, and how to be faithful to others. This lets us live fully in the present and to have meaning and purpose for our own existence.
- We become more sensitive to ourselves, and can make conscious choices about how, when, and where we wish to share our feelings. We know when we're experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.
When people are asked what's the most important ingredient in a relationship, communication is almost always at the top of the list. I remember my father telling me many years ago that in marriage, communication isn't about the relationship, it is the relationship. Yet we're rarely taught how to communicate effectively. Communication normally boils down to either expressing ourselves or responding to others, and each of these is quite different. I'll explore them tomorrow.
Each of us enters into these relationships with ideas and expectations about what we want based on a variety of factors, such as how we were raised, what we see in the media, how our friends behave, and our own previous experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause our relationships to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. Getting close to others, and sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants, affections, and excitements is a risky business and some of the common fears that can stop people from getting close to each other are:
• Fear of becoming known as we really are.
Opening ourselves up to others and their reactions isn't only difficult for us, but it puts a demand on others to do likewise.
• Fear of pain and dissapointment.
Hurt, pain, dissapointment, and loneliness aren't comfortable feelings, but they're human. Without the risk of experiencing them, we can never experience loving and being loved.
• Fear of losing our freedom.
Can you risk giving up some of your freedom to care about someone without them wanting to take it all away? How can you be both close to and separate from someone at the same time?
• Fear of being a taker as well as a giver.
It's difficult for many of us to be receivers. Yet if we don't, nobody else can experience the joy of giving to us.
• Fear of judgement.
People are reluctant to disclose themselves because they fear the moral judgement of their friends, family, colleagues, and even the law.
• Fear that showing love and affection isn't a proper thing to do.
This is especially true for men, but it's not restricted just to them. Some people are convinced that this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.
However, there are many rewards when we learn to communicate effectively with others and can risk sharing our own feelings while respecting theirs:
- We learn how to get close to other people. Getting close means we can need someone else and they can need us as well. When we feel discouraged or upset, someone is there to comfort and care about us, and we can do likewise.
- We learn to have faith in ourselves, to have faith in others, and how to be faithful to others. This lets us live fully in the present and to have meaning and purpose for our own existence.
- We become more sensitive to ourselves, and can make conscious choices about how, when, and where we wish to share our feelings. We know when we're experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.
When people are asked what's the most important ingredient in a relationship, communication is almost always at the top of the list. I remember my father telling me many years ago that in marriage, communication isn't about the relationship, it is the relationship. Yet we're rarely taught how to communicate effectively. Communication normally boils down to either expressing ourselves or responding to others, and each of these is quite different. I'll explore them tomorrow.
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