How to reason together more effectively.

“I never saw an instance of one or two disputants convincing the other by argument”
— Thomas Jefferson.

It's been my experience that many contentious conversations at work end up in argument and debate. As a result, they do little to resolve the issues at hand. Debate creates a lot of heat - but not much light! Dialog, on the other hand, is a lesser-known form of conversation and a different way of relating to people. It differs from debate because it seeks to inform and learn, rather than just to persuade.

Debate:

Is all about winning.

Assumes that there’s one right answer (and you have it).

Attempts to prove the other person wrong.

Listens to find flaws and make counter-arguments.

Defends your assumptions.

Criticizes the other person’s point of view.

Defends your views against others.

Searches for weaknesses in the other side's position.

Seeks an outcome that agrees with your position.

Doesn't focus on feelings or relationships.

Often belittles or deprecates the other person.


Dialogue:

Assumes that others have pieces of the answer.

Attempts to find common understanding.

Listens to understand and find a basis for agreement.

Brings up your assumptions for inspection and discussion.

Re-examines all points of view.

Admits that the other person’s thinking can improve your own.

Searches for strengths and value in the other person's position.

Discovers new possibilities and opportunities.

Enlarges and possibly changes the participants' point of view.

By engaging in dialog, we:
- transform a difference of opinion into something that isn't negative,
- reduce the polarization that prevents two parties from recognizing shared values,
- and help advocates form working relationships around common interests.

Poem by Hone Tuwhare (a NZ Maori poet).

I was reminded of this poem while watching Euro 2008, the European soccer championship games this week (this will give you some idea of how my mind works!). Tuwhare is New Zealand’s most distinguished Maori poet writing in English, and also a playwright and author of short fiction. His major, recurrent concerns ... love, friendship, the life of the feelings, the experience of loss and death.

Study in Black and White.

A friend rang me last week as soon as he got
back from the Antartic. Wonderful wonderful:
he seemed genuinely pleased to find me in
but in a careful voice asked if I could look
after something for him. I know,
you’ve brought back a lump of coal, I said.

I have a King Penguin in my fridge.
I look in on it every day as it stands there
with a huge egg between its feet, waiting ...
Stolid, taciturn, it shares the fish with the
cat, the raw minced meat with me.
It stands there with its head absolutely still.
Only its eyes follow me when they are not
already glazed in sleep: I’ve grown fond of it.

And I’m not the only one.
In this house, people come together mainly to
say true and surprising things about each other.
The light-hearted irreverent ones unhappily
have turned particularly grave; frequently
begging me to open the fridge door.
Wonderful, they chant, stroking it: truly wonderful.
I hate it when they go on like that.
Any moment now I’m afraid, they will deify it.

I should ring my friend
to ask if there is a ship or plane leaving soon
for the Antartic: because I really think
King Penguin would be happier standing shoulder to
shoulder with his Royal brothers, each with an egg
at its feet, their backs to the wind and driven
snow, waiting:
for the F. A. Cup winners with the colourful jersies
red noses, flapping arms, to trot on to the
snow-field in single file.

King Penguins should all kick off then and watch the visitors
really break up in a beautiful shower of soaring
eggshells and baby penguins wonderful wonderful.

Thinking about Web 2.0.

A friend of mine, Jo Green, brought an interesting new book to my attention this week - Andrew Keen's "The Cult of the Amateur."

Keen points out that blogs, social networking sites, YouTube.com and other Web 2.0 phenomenon now bombard us with "superficial observations of the world around us rather than deep analysis, with shrill opinion rather than considered judgment.” By celebrating the opinion of the amateur over the knowledge of the expert, and by touting popularity rather than reliability, misinformation and rumors proliferate. We end up more news, more perspectives, more opinions, more everything, but most of it comes without filters or verification. All in all, he sees mostly danger in these developments.

This distrust of advances in technology isn't new. In Plato’s "Phaedrus," which was written about 370 B.C., Socrates bemoaned the development of writing. He feared that, as people came to rely on the written word as a substitute for the knowledge they used to carry in their heads, they would, in the words of one of the dialog’s characters, “cease to exercise their memory and become forgetful.” And because they would be able to “receive a quantity of information without proper instruction,” they would “be thought very knowledgeable when they are for the most part quite ignorant.” They would be “filled with the conceit of wisdom instead of real wisdom.” Socrates wasn’t wrong - the new technology did often have the effects he feared - but he was shortsighted. He couldn’t foresee the many ways that writing and reading would serve to spread information, spur fresh ideas, and expand human knowledge (if not wisdom).

I believe Andrew Keen is correct in much of what he says but he is shortsighted too.

Perhaps Alfred North Whitehead was right when he observed, “Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it.”

What do you think?

How to manage your boss.

If your boss tends to be unfocused and all over the place, define the priorities that have to be covered first before meeting with him or her. Provide direct, respectful feedback that honors the behavior when issues are being over-processed.

If your boss loves to talk (“we’ll spend as much time as we need to ...”)
- go to meetings with a set agenda that specifies the desired result.
- maintain the offensive by keeping him or her focused on the agenda.
- start meetings on time and end them on time.

Build some goodwill with your boss at the start of a potentially contentious meeting by giving him or her some positive feedback at the very beginning.

Start by affirming out loud:
- I’m on your team.
- I’m here to help you, to make life easier for you.
- In the end, I’ll do whatever you decide, irrespective of my own personal feelings.

This will allow you to express your feelings and opinions more freely during the meeting.

If you work for an entrepreneur and want to raise an issue, you’ll probably have very little time to get his or her attention. It helps:
- to initially present the issue in summary form (less that one page).
- honor his or her personal style.
- if you’re dealing with visual person, use pictures and graphs.
- if your boss isn’t detail oriented, quickly present the facts - no big stories.

Realize you won’t change the boss’s behavior but you can change your mode of influence.

If you work for an analytical boss, let him or her hear it, see it, think about it, and have time to process it before you engage in a discussion to influence the outcome. Don’t present the answer first and then proceed to argue about it.

Most bosses don’t like to be blindsided or to be surprised by bad news in front of others.

If you need your boss’s approval, work on your presentation until you’re convinced that you’re convincing.

Sometimes, it’s easier to get the boss’s attention and cooperation in the morning before something has gone wrong and spoiled his or her day

Position yourself as a coachable employee. Give your boss feedback in this regard such as, “I heard you say that I was …… .I wouldn’t have thought about that on my own and I’m thankful to you for pointing it out to me.”

How do you handle adversity?

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how difficult things were for her. She was tired of fighting and struggling. As soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose. She didn’t know how she was going to continue and was ready to give up.

Her mother took her into the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high heat. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about 20-minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?” “Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?” Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water … and each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquefied interior, but after sitting in the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you? She asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength? Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Does your shell look the same, but are you bitter and tough on the inside? Or, are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you’re like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Guidelines for positive office politics.

* Play the game being played, not the one you want or think should
be played.

* Keep it professional at all times.

* Don't make enemies.

* Don't burn bridges.

* Don't whine and complain. Present solutions as well as problems.

* Strive to create win/win solutions.

* Don't intimidate superiors. Find a way to be right without making
the other person wrong.

* Don't be seen as someone who makes others look bad.

* Don't criticize other employees.

* Keep the employer's perspective in mind.

* Couch criticism in terms of the company's interests, not in
personal terms.

* Find common ground with others.

* Establish affiliations of mutual advantage with important people.

* Help others get what they want.

* Don't discuss personal problems.

* Be selective about self-disclosure.

* Don't assume anything you say will stay secret.

* Cultivate a positive, simple, accurate image.

* Force yourself to do difficult, uncomfortable or scary things.

* Be pleasant. Laugh and smile.

* Be assertive and tough when you need to be without being
aggressive.

* Don't oversell. Be natural. Trust your own style.

A poem about communication.

When a Woman Loves a Man

by David Lehman


When she says margarita she means daiquiri.

When she says quixotic she means mercurial.

And when she says, "I'll never speak to you again,"

she means, "Put your arms around me from behind

as I stand disconsolate at the window."



He's supposed to know that.



When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia,

or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,

or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he

is raking leaves in Ithaca

or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate

at the window overlooking the bay

where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on

while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.



When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning

she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels

drinking lemonade

and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed

where she remains asleep and very warm.



When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.

When she says, "We're talking about me now,"

he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,

"Did somebody die?"



When a woman loves a man, they have gone

to swim naked in the stream

on a glorious July day

with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle

of water rushing over smooth rocks,

and there is nothing alien in the universe.



Ripe apples fall about them.

What else can they do but eat?



When he says, "Ours is a transitional era,"

"that's very original of you," she replies,

dry as the martini he is sipping.



They fight all the time.

It's fun.

What do I owe you?

Let's start with an apology.

Ok, I'm sorry, you dickhead.

A sign is held up saying "Laughter."

It's a silent picture.

"I've been fucked without a kiss," she says,

"and you can quote me on that,"

which sounds great in an English accent.



One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it

another nine times.



When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the

airport in a foreign country with a jeep.

When a man loves a woman he's there. He doesn't complain that

she's two hours late

and there's nothing in the refrigerator.



When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.

She's like a child crying

at nightfall because she didn't want the day to end.



When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:

as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.

A thousand fireflies wink at him.

The frogs sound like the string section

of the orchestra warming up.

The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.