Post 362 - Use “I Messages” to communicate with others when feelings are involved. They’re called I messages because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. When using I messages, you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing another person of making you feel a certain way.
There are four parts to an “I message” -
1. "When ..."
Describe the person’s behavior you’re reacting to in an objective, non-blaming and non-judgmental way.
2. "The effects are ..."
Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. Your reaction is the most important part for the other person to understand.
3. "I feel ..."
Say how the behavior makes you feel. This is important to prevent a buildup of feelings.
4. "I’d prefer ..."
Say what you want or what you'd prefer the other person do. (You can sometimes omit this part if it’s very obvious).
Here are some examples:
"When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you spend time on your personal affairs."
"It’s very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket."
Common mistakes are:
- Not expressing a feeling, but expressing a belief or judgment instead.
- Only expressing negative feelings.
- When your nonverbal body language contradicts the words. For example, smiling when irritated.
Here are some guidelines to consider when expressing your feelings:
- Be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you’re feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (specify irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, hurt, lonely, etc.).
- Specify the degree of the feelings, and you’ll reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I’m angry," it means you’re extremely angry, when you actually mean you’re just a little irritated.
- When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from immediately becoming defensive or intimidated. When the first words they hear are, "I'm angry with you," they may miss the rest of the message.
- If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I’ve got mixed feelings about what you just did. I’m glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. I thought it was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating."
- Whenever you tell someone they’re wrong and you’re angry at the same time, you’ll probably make an enemy. Anytime negative emotion enters into a conversation, the conversation continues but communication stops.
- To get better information, ask “What,” not “Why” questions.
- “What” questions are fact oriented (“What was in your mind when you did that?”).
- “Why” questions trigger emotional responses. (“Why did you do that?”)
- Don't argue - listen instead. It’s physically impossible to say something wrong if you’re listening. And you may just learn something about the other person’s point of view. Then test and summarize – “Are you saying that this is what’s important to you?”
And last but not least, be careful of the words you use:
- Avoid the word “but.” Everything said before that word is window dressing and is ignored once you’ve said it.
- The word “try” (“I’ll try to get that done on time”) usually means it’s not going to happen. When someone says “try,” ask more questions. In many cases, they don’t know how to do what they’re being asked to do. They need help and they’re not planning to ask for it.
- Use people’s names when you talk with them. You get more attention from people when you address them by their name.
- Using variety when speaking. Talk fast and then talk more slowly.
- Avoid sarcasm, condescension and negativity. It’s easy for smart people to rip others to shreds in a clever, articulate and funny way. Such “put downs” are never helpful in building meaningful relationships.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
How to engage in active listening.
Post 361 – I’ve learned a lot about active listening from many years spent coaching senior executives. These are people who often have no one they can talk with openly about important personal and business decisions they need to deal with. Usually, they don't expect instant answers to their problems and challenges. Rather, they want me to listen with them to their thought processes and to search with them for flaws in their reasoning. You don't really know what you believe until you hear yourself saying it out loud.
It's very important that these executives experience that I'm really listening to them intently, with no judgment or distraction. This makes our time together quantifiably different from all of their other interactions. I’ve learned that you can actually 'listen' people into making decisions and engaging in actions that people would ignore if you just told them what you thought they should do. I’ve also found that:
- It helps people spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without judgment or criticism.
- Sometimes people just needs to be heard and acknowledged before they’re willing to consider an alternative or to soften their position.
- It’s often easier for someone to listen to and consider another position when they know the other party is listening to and is considering their own position.
- It helps identify areas of agreement so that areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are thus diminished rather than magnified.
- Reflecting back what we hear each other say gives each party a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on beneath the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
- If we accurately understand someone's point of view, we can be more effective in helping them see the flaws in their position. If we listen so we accurately understand another point of view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Here are some other listening tips:
- Usually it’s important to use your own words in paraphrasing your understanding of what you hear. Parroting back someone’s words verbatim is annoying and doesn’t convey an accurate understanding of the message.
- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words - look for the feelings or intent behind the words. The dictionary or surface meaning usually doesn’t convey the full message.
- Don’t follow your impulse and answer questions immediately they're asked. Sometimes when people ask questions, they really just want to express themselves and aren’t open to hearing an answer.
- Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
- Know when to stop using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it's time to respond with your own message.
- If you’re confused and think you don’t understand, tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to say it another way. Alternatively, use your best guess. If you’re wrong, the other party will usually try to correct your misunderstanding.
- Active listening is a very effective first response to someone who's angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in important relationships.
- Use eye contact and be aware of your body language. Avoid looking at your watch, or at other people, or at other activities going on nearby. Face the speaker, lean forward toward them and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms as this makes you appear closed or critical.
- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their point of view.
It's very important that these executives experience that I'm really listening to them intently, with no judgment or distraction. This makes our time together quantifiably different from all of their other interactions. I’ve learned that you can actually 'listen' people into making decisions and engaging in actions that people would ignore if you just told them what you thought they should do. I’ve also found that:
- It helps people spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without judgment or criticism.
- Sometimes people just needs to be heard and acknowledged before they’re willing to consider an alternative or to soften their position.
- It’s often easier for someone to listen to and consider another position when they know the other party is listening to and is considering their own position.
- It helps identify areas of agreement so that areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are thus diminished rather than magnified.
- Reflecting back what we hear each other say gives each party a chance to become aware of the different levels that are going on beneath the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
- If we accurately understand someone's point of view, we can be more effective in helping them see the flaws in their position. If we listen so we accurately understand another point of view, we can also be more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Here are some other listening tips:
- Usually it’s important to use your own words in paraphrasing your understanding of what you hear. Parroting back someone’s words verbatim is annoying and doesn’t convey an accurate understanding of the message.
- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words - look for the feelings or intent behind the words. The dictionary or surface meaning usually doesn’t convey the full message.
- Don’t follow your impulse and answer questions immediately they're asked. Sometimes when people ask questions, they really just want to express themselves and aren’t open to hearing an answer.
- Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
- Know when to stop using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it's time to respond with your own message.
- If you’re confused and think you don’t understand, tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to say it another way. Alternatively, use your best guess. If you’re wrong, the other party will usually try to correct your misunderstanding.
- Active listening is a very effective first response to someone who's angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in important relationships.
- Use eye contact and be aware of your body language. Avoid looking at your watch, or at other people, or at other activities going on nearby. Face the speaker, lean forward toward them and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms as this makes you appear closed or critical.
- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their point of view.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
How to communicate more effectively.
Post 360 - To build or maintain a relationship requires that you communicate honestly and reveal yourself to someone else. People naturally hold back until they’re aware of the intentions of others. Recurring and stable reciprocity is the building block of trust. The more we trust someone, the more deeply we can communicate with them.
Recent studies suggest that over 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Attitude, spirit and body language are all factors in the communication process. Understandings or misunderstandings in verbal communication come through the interpretation of three things:
1. about 7% of our interpretation is based on the words used.
2. about 33% of our interpretation is based on the tones used.
3. about 60% of our interpretation is based on body language.
Tone is a more significant factor in communication than the words or body language used. A person can say “have a nice day,” but by their tone make it clear that they wish the opposite.
So, there’s a lot more to communicating than talking. Listening is also important. "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
• Here are some tips on effective listening:
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he or she wants something, feels discomfort, or has feelings or thoughts about something. When deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he or she believes will effectively deliver the message. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
• Sources of difficulty by the speaker:
- Voice too soft to be heard.
- Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
- Getting lost, forgetting the point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
• Sources of difficulty by the listener:
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you don't understand.
There are three basic listening modes:
1. Competitive or Combative Listening; We’re more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention, we're impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening, we’re genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We’re attentive and assume that we heard and understand correctly, but we don’t verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we’re genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, but we’re active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification.
Recent studies suggest that over 90% of all communication is non-verbal. Attitude, spirit and body language are all factors in the communication process. Understandings or misunderstandings in verbal communication come through the interpretation of three things:
1. about 7% of our interpretation is based on the words used.
2. about 33% of our interpretation is based on the tones used.
3. about 60% of our interpretation is based on body language.
Tone is a more significant factor in communication than the words or body language used. A person can say “have a nice day,” but by their tone make it clear that they wish the opposite.
So, there’s a lot more to communicating than talking. Listening is also important. "We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."
• Here are some tips on effective listening:
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he or she wants something, feels discomfort, or has feelings or thoughts about something. When deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he or she believes will effectively deliver the message. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.
• Sources of difficulty by the speaker:
- Voice too soft to be heard.
- Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
- Getting lost, forgetting the point or the purpose of the interaction.
- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
• Sources of difficulty by the listener:
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you don't understand.
There are three basic listening modes:
1. Competitive or Combative Listening; We’re more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention, we're impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening, we’re genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We’re attentive and assume that we heard and understand correctly, but we don’t verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we’re genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, but we’re active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How to create healthy relationships.
Post 359 - Last week's posts explored the connections between happiness, joy and love. All of these depend on having a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.
Each of us enters into these relationships with ideas and expectations about what we want based on a variety of factors, such as how we were raised, what we see in the media, how our friends behave, and our own previous experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause our relationships to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. Getting close to others, and sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants, affections, and excitements is a risky business and some of the common fears that can stop people from getting close to each other are:
• Fear of becoming known as we really are.
Opening ourselves up to others and their reactions isn't only difficult for us, but it puts a demand on others to do likewise.
• Fear of pain and dissapointment.
Hurt, pain, dissapointment, and loneliness aren't comfortable feelings, but they're human. Without the risk of experiencing them, we can never experience loving and being loved.
• Fear of losing our freedom.
Can you risk giving up some of your freedom to care about someone without them wanting to take it all away? How can you be both close to and separate from someone at the same time?
• Fear of being a taker as well as a giver.
It's difficult for many of us to be receivers. Yet if we don't, nobody else can experience the joy of giving to us.
• Fear of judgement.
People are reluctant to disclose themselves because they fear the moral judgement of their friends, family, colleagues, and even the law.
• Fear that showing love and affection isn't a proper thing to do.
This is especially true for men, but it's not restricted just to them. Some people are convinced that this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.
However, there are many rewards when we learn to communicate effectively with others and can risk sharing our own feelings while respecting theirs:
- We learn how to get close to other people. Getting close means we can need someone else and they can need us as well. When we feel discouraged or upset, someone is there to comfort and care about us, and we can do likewise.
- We learn to have faith in ourselves, to have faith in others, and how to be faithful to others. This lets us live fully in the present and to have meaning and purpose for our own existence.
- We become more sensitive to ourselves, and can make conscious choices about how, when, and where we wish to share our feelings. We know when we're experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.
When people are asked what's the most important ingredient in a relationship, communication is almost always at the top of the list. I remember my father telling me many years ago that in marriage, communication isn't about the relationship, it is the relationship. Yet we're rarely taught how to communicate effectively. Communication normally boils down to either expressing ourselves or responding to others, and each of these is quite different. I'll explore them tomorrow.
Each of us enters into these relationships with ideas and expectations about what we want based on a variety of factors, such as how we were raised, what we see in the media, how our friends behave, and our own previous experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause our relationships to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail. Getting close to others, and sharing our joys, sorrows, needs, wants, affections, and excitements is a risky business and some of the common fears that can stop people from getting close to each other are:
• Fear of becoming known as we really are.
Opening ourselves up to others and their reactions isn't only difficult for us, but it puts a demand on others to do likewise.
• Fear of pain and dissapointment.
Hurt, pain, dissapointment, and loneliness aren't comfortable feelings, but they're human. Without the risk of experiencing them, we can never experience loving and being loved.
• Fear of losing our freedom.
Can you risk giving up some of your freedom to care about someone without them wanting to take it all away? How can you be both close to and separate from someone at the same time?
• Fear of being a taker as well as a giver.
It's difficult for many of us to be receivers. Yet if we don't, nobody else can experience the joy of giving to us.
• Fear of judgement.
People are reluctant to disclose themselves because they fear the moral judgement of their friends, family, colleagues, and even the law.
• Fear that showing love and affection isn't a proper thing to do.
This is especially true for men, but it's not restricted just to them. Some people are convinced that this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.
However, there are many rewards when we learn to communicate effectively with others and can risk sharing our own feelings while respecting theirs:
- We learn how to get close to other people. Getting close means we can need someone else and they can need us as well. When we feel discouraged or upset, someone is there to comfort and care about us, and we can do likewise.
- We learn to have faith in ourselves, to have faith in others, and how to be faithful to others. This lets us live fully in the present and to have meaning and purpose for our own existence.
- We become more sensitive to ourselves, and can make conscious choices about how, when, and where we wish to share our feelings. We know when we're experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.
When people are asked what's the most important ingredient in a relationship, communication is almost always at the top of the list. I remember my father telling me many years ago that in marriage, communication isn't about the relationship, it is the relationship. Yet we're rarely taught how to communicate effectively. Communication normally boils down to either expressing ourselves or responding to others, and each of these is quite different. I'll explore them tomorrow.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Be Glad Your Nose is on Your Face, by Jack Prelutsky
Post 358 - Since this is Halloween weekend, with it's focus on entertaining children (of all ages), I thought it fitting to post a children's poem this week. Before the more famous Shel Silverstein started writing children’s poetry, he was a close friend of Jack Prelutsky when they were both studying folk music and living in Greenwich Village in the 50’s to early 60’s.
Prelutsky was born in 1940 in Brooklyn, and attended Hunter College in NYC. He worked at various times as a busboy, furniture mover, folk singer, and cab driver. He says he hated poetry in grade school because of the way it was taught - his elementary school teacher gave him the impression that “poetry was the literary equivalent of chopped liver!” Fortunately for us, he rediscovered poetry in his 20s, and has devoted the years since to writing fresh, humorous verse aimed specifically at kids. He's the author of more than 30 poetry collections including Nightmares: Poems to Trouble Your Sleep and A Pizza the Size of the Sun.
In 2006, Prelutsky was named the first Children’s Poet Laureate by the Poetry Foundation. He currently lives in Washington state, and spends much of his time presenting poems to children in schools and libraries throughout the United States.
Be Glad Your Nose is on Your Face by Jack Prelutsky
Be glad your nose is on your face,
not pasted on some other place,
for if it were where it is not,
you might dislike your nose a lot.
Imagine if your precious nose
were sandwiched in between your toes,
that clearly would not be a treat,
for you'd be forced to smell your feet.
Your nose would be a source of dread
were it attached atop your head,
it soon would drive you to despair,
forever tickled by your hair.
Within your ear, your nose would be
an absolute catastrophe,
for when you were obliged to sneeze,
your brain would rattle from the breeze.
Your nose, instead, through thick and thin,
remains between your eyes and chin,
not pasted on some other place--
be glad your nose is on your face!
Prelutsky was born in 1940 in Brooklyn, and attended Hunter College in NYC. He worked at various times as a busboy, furniture mover, folk singer, and cab driver. He says he hated poetry in grade school because of the way it was taught - his elementary school teacher gave him the impression that “poetry was the literary equivalent of chopped liver!” Fortunately for us, he rediscovered poetry in his 20s, and has devoted the years since to writing fresh, humorous verse aimed specifically at kids. He's the author of more than 30 poetry collections including Nightmares: Poems to Trouble Your Sleep and A Pizza the Size of the Sun.
In 2006, Prelutsky was named the first Children’s Poet Laureate by the Poetry Foundation. He currently lives in Washington state, and spends much of his time presenting poems to children in schools and libraries throughout the United States.
Be Glad Your Nose is on Your Face by Jack Prelutsky
Be glad your nose is on your face,
not pasted on some other place,
for if it were where it is not,
you might dislike your nose a lot.
Imagine if your precious nose
were sandwiched in between your toes,
that clearly would not be a treat,
for you'd be forced to smell your feet.
Your nose would be a source of dread
were it attached atop your head,
it soon would drive you to despair,
forever tickled by your hair.
Within your ear, your nose would be
an absolute catastrophe,
for when you were obliged to sneeze,
your brain would rattle from the breeze.
Your nose, instead, through thick and thin,
remains between your eyes and chin,
not pasted on some other place--
be glad your nose is on your face!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
What it takes to reach your heart's desire.
Post 357 - In The Wizard of Oz, when the Good Witch asked Dorothy what she learned while she was in Oz, Dorothy replied, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it anyway."
It’s easy to forget that the real wizard lives inside us. We have to give ourselves the power to take control of our thoughts, to overcome our fears and follow our yellow brick road if we're to accomplish our dreams and goals. No one else can do it for us.
Barbara Hailey says it takes three things to reach your heart's desire:
1. The knowledge and skills to accomplish the things you want in life.
2. The courage to carry on through all of life's challenges and to never give up on your dreams.
3. The ability to love and to be loved.
The third is probably the most difficult to master. You have to learn how to really love before you can learn how to live. I'm not referring to Hollywood's version of romantic love here. The poet, David Ignatow, explained the kind of love I'm thinking about and why it's so crucial to self-realization as follows:
“The most important thing (in life) is peace of mind . . . growing out of an assurance about one’s relationships with others. Relationships that you can count on that won’t backfire . . . on which you can turn your back and not fear some sort of a reprisal or betrayal. It’s a dependence thing. You have a relationship that becomes a metaphor for your relationship with the rest of the world. And if it’s a secure and loving relationship on which you can count for your physical, mental, and emotional needs to be filled, then you have what most people lack. You have going for yourself a balanced energizing situation. Then you can turn around and put your energy into a lot of different things because you can take this other thing for granted. A person loves you. You know that this love will not fail you under virtually any circumstances. This love is for you and you alone. Something for you that’s for no one else. That’s important. When you have that, I think you have a treasure.”
Longshoreman turned philosopher Eric Hoffer once wrote, "The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves: and we hate others when we hate ourselves."
To live life fully, we need to learn how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things. Joy’s twin emotion is love and no one can love alone. Remember the lyric from the Sound of Music:
a song isn't a song until you sing it
a bell isn't a bell until you ring it
love in your heart isn't put there to stay
love isn't love until you give it away.
It’s easy to forget that the real wizard lives inside us. We have to give ourselves the power to take control of our thoughts, to overcome our fears and follow our yellow brick road if we're to accomplish our dreams and goals. No one else can do it for us.
Barbara Hailey says it takes three things to reach your heart's desire:
1. The knowledge and skills to accomplish the things you want in life.
2. The courage to carry on through all of life's challenges and to never give up on your dreams.
3. The ability to love and to be loved.
The third is probably the most difficult to master. You have to learn how to really love before you can learn how to live. I'm not referring to Hollywood's version of romantic love here. The poet, David Ignatow, explained the kind of love I'm thinking about and why it's so crucial to self-realization as follows:
“The most important thing (in life) is peace of mind . . . growing out of an assurance about one’s relationships with others. Relationships that you can count on that won’t backfire . . . on which you can turn your back and not fear some sort of a reprisal or betrayal. It’s a dependence thing. You have a relationship that becomes a metaphor for your relationship with the rest of the world. And if it’s a secure and loving relationship on which you can count for your physical, mental, and emotional needs to be filled, then you have what most people lack. You have going for yourself a balanced energizing situation. Then you can turn around and put your energy into a lot of different things because you can take this other thing for granted. A person loves you. You know that this love will not fail you under virtually any circumstances. This love is for you and you alone. Something for you that’s for no one else. That’s important. When you have that, I think you have a treasure.”
Longshoreman turned philosopher Eric Hoffer once wrote, "The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves: and we hate others when we hate ourselves."
To live life fully, we need to learn how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things. Joy’s twin emotion is love and no one can love alone. Remember the lyric from the Sound of Music:
a song isn't a song until you sing it
a bell isn't a bell until you ring it
love in your heart isn't put there to stay
love isn't love until you give it away.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A wish for more happiness and joy.
Post 356 – I woke up today thinking about happiness and joy and wondering why there’s so little of either in the evening news or the morning paper. And why we've learned to accept that! It’s not that we don’t need more of each - I’m told the number one class at Harvard University is a class called “Happier.”
Dr. Robert Holden writes about three kinds of happiness in his book, Be Happy. He mentions pleasure, satisfaction and unreasonable happiness or joy. For him joy is the soul of happiness and the only true kind of happiness. He compares it to "bliss" and "ecstasy." It’s much more than an emotion or a state of mind; it’s bigger than the ego and comes before the "I." It’s what Marcie Shimoff calls "being happy for no reason" in her book of the same name.
Holden gives five reasons why developing an awareness of joy is the true path to happiness.
1. It’s constant and ever present - you don’t have to chase joy or satisfy your ego to be joyful.
2. It unleashes creativity - joy is a source of inspiration.
3. It’s unreasonable - joy is based on nothing and doesn’t need a reason to exist.
4. It doesn’t have an opposite, unlike pleasure and satisfaction - joy's twin is love and nothing can diminish it.
5. It is enough, unlike pleasure and satisfaction which constantly require more and more. Joy has an abiding sense of "enoughness."
According to Holden, unless you cultivate an awareness of joy, no amount of pleasure or satisfaction can make you happy.
Sarah Ban Breathnach reminds us that we often confuse happiness and joy. Happiness is frequently triggered by external events we usually have no control over – you got the promotion, he loves you back, they approved your mortgage application. Happiness camouflages a lot of fears.
She writes that, “Joy is the absence of fear. Joy is your soul’s knowledge that if you don’t get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it’s because you weren’t meant to. You’re meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper. Something more. Joy is where your life began, with your first cry. Joy is your birthright. She believes that joy comes easier to those who embrace a Simple Abundance philosophy: "All you have is all you need at any moment if you're grateful for it." So, one of the keys to happiness is inner contentment. Inner contentment doesn’t come from having all you want but rather from wanting and appreciating all you have.
I probably shouldn't have goals for my readers, but I do. I wish for all of you to be joyful. Joy comes when we allow our quiet heart to lead us, when we recognize that the progress of the world depends on our progress as individuals. Joy is number one on my list of characteristics for successful people. So, if it's not on yours, please add it!
Dr. Robert Holden writes about three kinds of happiness in his book, Be Happy. He mentions pleasure, satisfaction and unreasonable happiness or joy. For him joy is the soul of happiness and the only true kind of happiness. He compares it to "bliss" and "ecstasy." It’s much more than an emotion or a state of mind; it’s bigger than the ego and comes before the "I." It’s what Marcie Shimoff calls "being happy for no reason" in her book of the same name.
Holden gives five reasons why developing an awareness of joy is the true path to happiness.
1. It’s constant and ever present - you don’t have to chase joy or satisfy your ego to be joyful.
2. It unleashes creativity - joy is a source of inspiration.
3. It’s unreasonable - joy is based on nothing and doesn’t need a reason to exist.
4. It doesn’t have an opposite, unlike pleasure and satisfaction - joy's twin is love and nothing can diminish it.
5. It is enough, unlike pleasure and satisfaction which constantly require more and more. Joy has an abiding sense of "enoughness."
According to Holden, unless you cultivate an awareness of joy, no amount of pleasure or satisfaction can make you happy.
Sarah Ban Breathnach reminds us that we often confuse happiness and joy. Happiness is frequently triggered by external events we usually have no control over – you got the promotion, he loves you back, they approved your mortgage application. Happiness camouflages a lot of fears.
She writes that, “Joy is the absence of fear. Joy is your soul’s knowledge that if you don’t get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it’s because you weren’t meant to. You’re meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper. Something more. Joy is where your life began, with your first cry. Joy is your birthright. She believes that joy comes easier to those who embrace a Simple Abundance philosophy: "All you have is all you need at any moment if you're grateful for it." So, one of the keys to happiness is inner contentment. Inner contentment doesn’t come from having all you want but rather from wanting and appreciating all you have.
I probably shouldn't have goals for my readers, but I do. I wish for all of you to be joyful. Joy comes when we allow our quiet heart to lead us, when we recognize that the progress of the world depends on our progress as individuals. Joy is number one on my list of characteristics for successful people. So, if it's not on yours, please add it!
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